I don't make the rules

Being a Sports Writer

2012-01-18T14:49:00.006-07:00

While I generally keep all hockey discussion over on my hockey web site, some things are just so good that I have to share it with all of you too.

So this morning I posted an article on the New York Rangers for ESPN, and I might have said some things that were unflattering, and this shows up on Twitter.

ESPN's Mike Hume wrote an article on the Rangers, and quoted some of my research, and here's one of the comments he got.

Yeah, being a sports writer is awesome. It gives you all the fun of being in high school again.

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Count the Bottles

2012-01-15T20:51:00.000-07:00

Count your bottles carefully!

Gandhi's eyes

2012-01-12T12:46:00.002-07:00

"An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind." - Gandhi

Far be it for me to argue a man as great as Gandhi, but he's clearly mistaken.

There will always be one guy left who can see, because if everyone else is blind, how can they get his eyes?

Unless the last two people blind each other simultaneously I just don't see that happening - sorry Mahatma.

Maybe this is why the guy never won a Nobel prize even though it's easier to win than a WWE title belt (which I don't think he ever won either).

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Listen, I Can Explain

2012-01-09T08:26:00.002-07:00

What are you doing reading over my shoulder anyway?

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Netflix Recommended for Robert

2012-01-03T12:34:00.002-07:00

Rabbit ears don't cut it with the ladies, something I learned very quickly from my new girlfriend Christy. Tired of watching "Fuzzy CBC" she insisted I get something we can watch together when we stay in.

My suggestion was just to watch my Star Trek DVDs from episode one, and there was much laughter followed by much silence.

Her excellent suggestion? Netflix. It's only eight bucks a month and it streams right through my PlayStation 3.

I started enjoying Netflix immediately, watching every science fiction, cheap comedy or explosion-n-boobs thrillers I could find. The best part is that it has this great feature where it studies what you're watching and recommends more of the same. Awesome!

Well, it WAS awesome. Things changed when Christy came over to watch what she wanted. The next time I sat down, here's what was "Recommended for Robert".

Yeah. That's exactly what I wanted to watch. How did Netflix know?

Thanks to all of Christy's chick flicks and romantic dramas, every time I sit down I get ridiculous suggestions like these. I'd rather watch Fuzzy CBC!

The only one more frustrated than me must be the Netflix recommendation engine, which must be desperately trying to find a movie with Meryl Streep set in outer space, or something - anything - with Glenn Close and time travel.

At some point I totally expect Netflix to tell me that I'm on my own.

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Oil Sands Boycott

2011-12-21T11:54:00.002-07:00

Between the Keystone XL Pipeline protests and the Chiquita boycott, there has been more and more talk about halting the development of Canada's oil sands on environmental grounds, but is that really a wise course of action?

The environmental savings aren't really that dramatic, given that we're ultimately talking about reducing global greenhouse gas emissions by somewhere between 0.005% and 0.015%:
- Oil from Canada's oil sands produces between 5% and 15% more greenhouse gas, depending what you include and where you live
- The oil sands represent just 5% of Canada's total greenhouse gas emissions
- Canada is responsible for about 2% of the world's total greenhouse gas.

Still, everyone can agree that every little bit helps, so let's switch to other sources. There's just one problem.

Unfortunately if not from Canada, there are only so many places from which to can get your oil. The world's only real exporters of crude oil are, in order, Saudi Arabia, Russia, Iran, United Arab Emirates, Kuwait, Venezuela, Algeria, Morocco, Libya, Iraq, Nigeria, Indonesia, Angola, Qatar, Kazakhstan, Canada, Oman, Yemen, Malaysia and Sudan.

Do you notice something different between Canada and these other 19 nations? Predominantly these crude oil competitors, as compared with Canada:
- Aren't democratic
- Don't pay fair wages, don't offer safe working conditions and don't allow unions
- Discriminate based on sex, race, religion and sexual orientation
- Don't share the revenues with the citizens in the form of well-funded social programs
- Are far more likely to engage in war, conflict and/or terrorism than peace-building activities
- Don't have environmental transparency, regulations and safeguards anywhere near Canada's

Even we did reduce greenhouse gas emissions by 0.005% (which we might not, given that last point), at what cost did those savings come?

It's on these grounds that Ezra Levant coined the popular new term "Ethical Oil" to describe oil coming from nations (like Canada) with the world's strongest records of promoting peacekeeping, worker's rights, environmental stewardship, human rights and using profits to fund social programs.

In response, Canada's leading environmental spokesperson David Suzuki asked if oil can ever truly be considered ethical. After all, if Canada continues to develop the oil sands, and continues to pollute more than its fair share of the atmosphere, consequently causing environmental disruptions to parts of the world who have had no say in its development nor any share of the profits, can its oil truly be considered ethical?

Probably not.

But Suzuki's argument applies just as well to the other oil exporting nations as it does Canada, so we should be boycotting all oil development, not just Canada's. If so, where would it make sense to begin that boycott?

Have your cake and eat it too. Use Canada's oil, and reduce your usage by 5% to 15%.

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My helpless mother

2011-12-14T11:13:00.001-07:00

"The presentation should be so simple that even your mother can understand it," my boss told me today at work. I couldn't figure out why we were talking smack about each other's mothers, but I told him I'd also order so much lunch for the meeting that even his mother wouldn't walk away hungry.

I'm not sure how my mother got any kind of reputation at work at all, let alone as some dimwit that wouldn't be able to follow powerpoint presentations. My mother has a PhD, has written several books and uses words like "recalcitrant" on a regular basis, so I'm pretty sure she can sit through a few slides.

Telling me to keep my presentation simple enough for her to understand actually gives me a lot more wiggle room than my boss realized. I could make the most exhaustively convoluted presentation imaginable and she'd not only keep up, but she'd probably correct a few mistakes.

It reminds me of my days in University when my instructors would tell us to make our computer programs so user-friendly that even our mothers could understand them. I really don't know why they were slagging my mother, she's actually quite good with computers. If they knew my family a little better they'd have asked me to make the computer program so user-friendly that even my brother wouldn't get pissed off, throw the mouse and tell it to fuck off.

Anyway, I don't know how my mother got any reputation at all, but I'll be sure to let her know that apparently the world thinks she's some kind of lost and confused old lady staring blankly at a Powerpoint presentation while banging helplessly on her keyboard. I'm sure she'll be delighted to know.

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Unappreciated Patrick Chan

2011-12-08T10:33:00.004-07:00

Recently Patrick Chan was quoted as saying that Canada doesn't appreciate figure skaters.

First of all Patrick, let's be clear - Canada doesn't appreciate MEN figure skaters. We most certainly appreciate women figure skaters. And a lot more than the men figure skaters do, if you catch my drift (and not that there's anything wrong with that).

I know it's different in other countries. I know he wouldn't be subjected to questions like "if you're such a good skater why don't you just play hockey" elsewhere. (But seriously - why doesn't he?)

Then again, if he were in the United States he might be asked why professional wrestling isn't in the Olympics. It's just like pair's figure skating - an athletic competition that can be judged for its artistic merit. All you need is music!

It must be frustrating to live in a country where a guy who once played 5 games on the fourth line of the Toronto Maple Leafs will be recognized at the mall, but nobody has the faintest clue who Chan is, that he's the world champion, or if that's even a big deal.

Then again, no Canadian gets the same level of appreciation as hockey players, who get paid obscene amounts and can even smack their wives around and sleep with their baby sitters (sometimes simultaneously) without losing our adoration, so it's hardly fair to compare Chan to that.

I guess it all depends what Chan means by appreciation. I mean, he's 20 years old and he's already traveled the world, competing in the Olympics and other competitions, often on the country's dime to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars. He's also been on magazine and newspaper covers, and put at the top of lists of our country's greatest athletes (usually just to say we included a non-hockey player). And if he were to beat his wife we'd probably just be surprised that he had one, and that he could take her, and let him off the hook too.

If you're reading this Patrick (and why wouldn't you), take my advice. You're a great skater, you're 20 years old - there's still time to pick up a hockey stick and learn to stick handle. You could be the greatest Chinese-Canadian hockey player ever. In fact, you could be the only Chinese-Canadian hockey player ever. And in this country that will get you far more appreciation than the world's greatest figure skater.

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Reduced for Quick Sale

2011-11-26T10:31:00.002-07:00

Saw this at Safeway yesterday.

That ought to do it.

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Occupy Demands

2011-11-23T10:29:00.005-07:00

8 things we need to see in order for us to leave willingly:

1. We want to see our government officials actually come and participate in general assemblies and the occupation. We want to see them interact with our movement rather than try to ignore, disregard or actively try to undermine it.

We want to see the Occupiers come and participate in our democracy rather than ignore, disregard of actively try to undermine it. We've had seven provincial and federal elections in the past year, the incumbent won every time, and voter turnout was down every time. Write down your tent-mates names and phone numbers, call them up next time there's an election, and Occupy a voting booth.

In a democracy there are many ways to engage elected officials, but requiring them to visit every interest group's assemblies is neither pragmatic nor fair. Kind of like if every interest group occupied parks for weeks on end.

2. If the City of Edmonton can give over $100 million in subsidies to a billionaire conglomerate, we should also be able to invest in City services, not cut them. We would like to see the $10.5 million in City service cuts eliminated and the property-tax hike apply not only to Edmontonians, but to the Katz group as well.

Cuts? The proposed 2012 City of Edmonton budget has a $43.6 million increase in spending. The 2011 budget was $82 million higher than 2010, out of a total budget of a whopping $1.8 billion, to which I'm sure the Occupiers contribute far less than they receive. If those are cuts, I'm going to ask my boss for a big one.

3. We want to see an end to the corporate influence over our democratic process. In Alberta this means ending the cozy relationship the government has with the oil industry. We want independent monitoring, a fair royalty regime, and an end to the open-door policy that the government has with oil representatives. We want a government, not a public relations firm.

What if it were illegal for corporations to make political donations, if there were modest caps on what individuals could contribute, and if who gave what to who were a matter of public record for everyone to see? And why does that sound so dang familiar?

And what if there were an Alberta Royalty Review, an independent panel you wouldn't find in Venezuala, Saudi Arabia or anywhere else, which resulted in a new Royalty Framework that adopted the great majority of its recommendations, including increasing royalties by 20%. Dang - now why does that sound so familiar too?

Amazingly, all of this was accomplished through democracy years ago, and without the need for protests. Perhaps the Occupy movement could use a DeLorean?

4. We want to see wages, pensions, employment insurance, social assistance, workers compensation, AISH and disability benefits at minimum indexed to the average increases in salary and bonuses for the top ten CEOs in this country. We also want to see the gap between the richest 100 Canadian CEO salaries ($6.6 million in 2009) and the minimum wage decrease.

Even if that were even remotely within the jurisdiction of a municipal government, do you really want there to be a relationship between a small, select group of highly-educated people who have taken great risks, and invested virtually every waking hour of their lives to their businesses and the guy working at the kiosk in the lobby where they buy their morning coffee? What does one have to do with the other?

If we're improving the financial situations of the lower and working classes (which we are), why should it matter if the upper class is doing even better? Envy?

If you'd prefer a system where the poor get kicked in the face as long as the rich get kicked between the legs, there are a number of impoverished nations that will accommodate you and your tents. Those of us who wanted to help the lower and working classes while being happy for the upper class can stay here (in our houses).

5.We want to see fully funded public health care and pharmacare programs.

Well then good news! Since the Canada Health Act was adopted in 1984, I'm pretty sure this demand was met before most of you were even glints in the milkman's eyes.

6. We want to see free post-secondary education. Education is a right and anyone that has the desire to better themselves by going to college or University should be able to do so regardless of income and without being saddled with a huge student debt.

For everyone to get a free post-secondary education we will need coercion, for which we have three options. Either place guns to the heads of educators to teach for free, or guns to the heads of taxpayers to pay the educators to teach or - my favourite - guns to the heads of students to sell coffee at the kiosk in the lobby to pay the educators to teach.

Hm - that last one's not a bad idea actually. Save a tent for me.

7. We want to see all Free Trade agreements adhere to the country with the most stringent environmental and labour laws, not the worst. (For example, NAFTA’s Chapter 11, giving corporations in one country the right to sue a foreign government over ‘potential loss of profits’, regardless of the environmental consequences, should be abolished.)

A demand to modify the North American Free Trade Agreement - I don't know why the mayor hasn't gotten on top of that yet, but I'm sure he's grateful to have potheads in tents to sort out the complexities of international trade relations for him.

If you really want to wait this out that's fine, but if John Turner and Mel Hurtig vowed to live in a tent back in 1988 until problems with the Free Trade Agreement had been worked out, they'd really start to smell by now.

8. Canada signed the Universal Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples; now we want our government to implement it by giving our First Peoples all the rights contained within it, including the right to Free, Prior and
Informed Consent on all energy developments on Indigenous Territory.

That's a great idea. There are thousands of people working in various government departments and thousands of people employed at oil and gas companies dedicated to community relations and land management legalities for First Nations, and this would finally give them something to do (other than get really awesome at Minesweeper).

In closing, I'd like to thank the Occupy movement for these wonderful ideas, and I can totally see why this required sitting in our public parks for the past month. There's absolutely no way any of this could have been figured out in their own homes.

I wish foreign governments would give their citizen's money to their banks more often, so that people living in completely different countries where regulations prevent that sort of thing from happening can get together more often and come up with ideas that have already been raised and in many cases implemented long ago.

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Beard Strike

2011-10-26T14:18:00.002-06:00

Years ago Gandhi popularized the hunger strike, a passive-resistance act of civil disobedience.

Hunger strikes are very simple, and quite effective. You refuse to eat until your demands are met, and in the meantime the lack of food makes you look emaciated enough to win public sympathy, eventually forcing those in power to negotiate.

Unfortunately I really love food and I wouldn't last very long, so I invented the beard strike. The idea is to refuse to shave until your demands are met. As the beard strike continues my face tends to look more and more like a disaster until those in power have no choice but to give into my demands in complete disgust.

It seems to be just as effective as hunger strikes. Unless you're protesting the lack of intimacy from your partner, in which case it tends to make the situation worse. Other than that, beard strikes work great.

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Run for The Cure

2011-10-12T14:08:00.004-06:00

Everyone knows how strongly I feel about certain charities, and thanks once again to everyone who sponsored me in the run to end beast cancer.

Unfortunately there is still work to be done, so won't you please join me in this year's Run for The Cure?

It's easy to support the popular charities where the victims are people we all love, I think it's time we all supported causes that affect those without anyone who cares about them. This year, please support Run for The Cure.

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Edmonton Oilers

2011-09-20T14:45:00.001-06:00

Canada is Cool

2011-09-08T11:52:00.001-06:00

A survey recently came out that ranked the world's coolest and uncoolest countries. Guess where Canada ranked? The 4th uncoolest country.

Canada was cooler than only Turkey, Poland and Belgium, and less cool than Germany. Seriously? Germany is cooler than Canada?

Listen, I know a thing or two about being uncool, and Canada isn't it. Canada is not just America's hat, or where they keep their beer cold, it is a cool country.

Canada would never be excluded from birthday parties where everyone is invited except that one weird kid. And I'm not saying that happened to me at all, let alone multiple times throughout my childhood, I'm just saying it wouldn't happen to Canada, that's all. Besides, Canada is far too big for a wedgie.

Judge for yourself by asking yourself, what makes Canada unique? Here's the list I put together. And I'm not saying I have a lot of free time to put together lists because I'm not invited to parties, I'm just really good at making lists, that's all. It comes naturally.

1. We're very big, very cold, and very underpopulated. Very beautiful and diverse geography.

2. We love hockey - half the world's professionals come from our underpopulated nation.

3. We're undefeated in war, kicked ass in both world wars, and invented peacekeeping

4. We're bilingual and multi-cultural

5. We love bacon, donuts and maple syrup

6. We've got lots of great comedians, professional wrestlers and country music singers

7. We have a large, progressive government including universal health care and gun control. And also gay marriage and de-criminialized marijuana

8. We have clean cities, very low crime rates, and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police

9. We end sentences with "eh" and pronounce words that end in "out" or start with "pro" differently.

10. One of our provinces really wants to separate but never does.

If you ask me, that's a pretty cool country. If you'd rather sit next to Germany than Canada, then go right ahead. We'll have our own party and invite Belgium, Poland and Turkey and we'll be just fine. I guess we don't have much in common with them, but that's ok. We know when we're not wanted.

Just don't come around pretending we're best buddies when you're running low on oil.

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Taxation Through Inflation

2011-09-06T13:54:00.002-06:00

Taxes are way too complicated. Your company pays all sorts of taxes on their profits, then you pay all sorts of taxes when you're paid, only to pay taxes on everything you purchase with what's left over. You pay taxes just to own things, and then taxes when you use them. If you manage to put a little money aside, guess what? You pay taxes on that, too.

How about one single tax instead? What if the government could figure out how much money it needs, compute your share, and get it from you in one, single, regular payment?

Of course, it shouldn't tax everyone evenly, so what if that payment were calculated by how rich you are? What if it were based on your net worth?

You know, there is actually a very simple way of doing this: taxation through inflation.

Whenever the government increases the money supply by printing more money, it de-values the currency. That extra money causes inflation, making the money that already exists (i.e. yours) worth less.

It's a sneaky form of taxation, but governments are already doing it. You'd vote them out of office if they raised your taxes, or cut your services, but you don't blame them when the price up milk and bread goes up 20%, do you?

We should get rid of all taxes. Let people keep the money they earn and spend it how they please, and when the government needs money they can just print as much as they need. Without any need to report income or file taxes, the government has effectively taxed everyone according to how much money they have. Perfect!

Tax rates are usually different from case to case, because they're used to manipulate people into doing what the government wants, which is inherently unfair. Rich people can pay punitive taxes that poor people can't, so you're essentially saying that the rich can smoke, drive hummers, and do whatever they want as long as they pay for it, but the working class has no such option.

If government wants to mould society and get people to stop doing certain things, don't do it with taxes, do it with rules that rich people can't buy their way out of. Taxes should be for raising money, not to manipulate people into doing what the government thinks best.

I know this idea isn't without its flaws. For example, people aren't going to want to own our currency if it's going to drop in value like this - they're either going to spend/invest it right away (actually that's a good thing), or immediately exchange it for another currency (that's bad).

But you know, I don't think it would be that bad in the long run. Managing those money supply increases predictably should keep currency exchanges from becoming too volatile. And like I said, governments are already doing this.

Furthermore, the desire to work in a no-tax market should offset some of the fear - both the dramatically increased profits and the savings from not having to do complicated tax-related paperwork. This should stimulate investment and competition, which will lower prices and generate growth that would largely offset the negative effects of inflation.

Bear in mind that I'm no economist, so this may be completely crazy. I just think that taxes are way too complicated, and being used in a way that's completely unfair. I'm open to suggestions!

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Keystone XL Pipeline

2011-08-30T14:19:00.004-06:00

The Keystone XL Pipeline is being proposed to bring crude oil from Alberta to refineries in Texas, providing America desperately-needed jobs and a safe and secure source of energy, extracted from a socially progressive, democratic and free country known for having the very best working conditions and highest respect for human rights.

Nevertheless, IT MUST BE STOPPED!

You may already be familiar with the protests going on in Washington, but did you know that I helped proof-read the action letter they sent out? Well it's true. In fact, here is the final draft that David Suzuki himself sent my way, along with my notes.

- * - * - * -

Dear Friends,

This will be a slightly longer letter than common for the internet age—it’s serious stuff.

RV> So print up copies for all your friends. In colour.

The short version is we want you to consider doing something hard: coming to Washington in the hottest and stickiest weeks of the summer and engaging in civil disobedience that will likely get you arrested.

RV> We're open to suggestions, but climbing in your cars and driving to Washington to break the law is probably the only effective way to help the environment.

The full version goes like this:

As you know, the planet is steadily warming: 2010 was the warmest year on record, and we’ve seen the resulting chaos in almost every corner of the earth.

RV> And please immediately report anyone who says differently.

And as you also know, our democracy is increasingly controlled by special interests interested only in their short-term profit.

RV> Unlike us, who are interested in our long-term profit.

These two trends collide this summer in Washington, where the State Department and the White House have to decide whether to grant a certificate of ‘national interest’ to some of the biggest fossil fuel players on earth. These corporations want to build the so-called ‘Keystone XL Pipeline’ from Canada’s tar sands to Texas refineries.

RV> P.S. What does the phrase "so-called" actually mean? Never mind, we'll just use it anywhere.

To call this project a horror is serious understatement. The tar sands have wrecked huge parts of Alberta, disrupting ways of life in indigenous communities—First Nations communities in Canada, and tribes along the pipeline route in the U.S. have demanded the destruction cease.

RV> Ask anyone in Alberta and they'll tell you that the tar sands are the worst thing to ever happen to them.

The pipeline crosses crucial areas like the Oglalla Aquifer where a spill would be disastrous—and though the pipeline companies insist they are using ‘state of the art’ technologies that should leak only once every 7 years, the precursor pipeline and its pumping stations have leaked a dozen times in the past year.

RV> Call us old-fashioned, but we prefer the oil come to us across the ocean, where spills don't matter. So bomb those pipelines, folks!

These local impacts alone would be cause enough to block such a plan. But the Keystone Pipeline would also be a fifteen hundred mile fuse to the biggest carbon bomb on the continent, a way to make it easier and faster to trigger the final overheating of our planet, the one place to which we are all indigenous.

RV> Or at least, that's the plot to Charlie Sheen's "The Arrival."

How much carbon lies in the recoverable tar sands of Alberta? A recent calculation from some of our foremost scientists puts the figure at about 200 parts per million. Even with the new pipeline they won’t be able to burn that much overnight—but each development like this makes it easier to get more oil out.

RV> And if we don't use it trust me - no one will. We're pretty much the only ones interested in oil.

As the climatologist Jim Hansen (one of the signatories to this letter) explained, if we have any chance of getting back to a stable climate “the principal requirement is that coal emissions must be phased out by 2030 and unconventional fossil fuels, such as tar sands, must be left in the ground.” In other words, he added, “if the tar sands are thrown into the mix it is essentially game over.” The Keystone pipeline is an essential part of the game.

RV> Logically, the best way to phase out coal emissions is to shut down all the alternatives.

"Unless we get increased market access, like with Keystone XL, we're going to be stuck," said Ralph Glass, an economist and vice-president at AJM Petroleum Consultants in Calgary, told a Canadian newspaper last week.

RV> And if Ralph Glass can't find another market for the oil, I'm sure there isn't one, because he's clearly the best.

Given all that, you’d suspect that there’s no way the Obama administration would ever permit this pipeline. But in the last few months the president has signed pieces of paper opening much of Alaska to oil drilling, and permitting coal-mining on federal land in Wyoming that will produce as much CO2 as 300 power plants operating at full bore.

RV> We're pretty sure the Republicans have him drugged, because Obama would never willingly do any of that.

And Secretary of State Clinton has already said she’s ‘inclined’ to recommend the pipeline go forward. Partly it’s because of the political commotion over high gas prices, though more tar sands oil would do nothing to change that picture. But it’s also because of intense pressure from industry. TransCanada Pipeline, the company behind Keystone, has hired as its chief lobbyist for the project a man named Paul Elliott, who served as deputy national director of Clinton’s presidential campaign.

RV> If only we had high-powered big names backing our campaign.

Meanwhile, the US Chamber of Commerce—a bigger funder of political campaigns than the RNC and DNC combined—has demanded that the administration “move quickly to approve the Keystone XL pipeline,” which is not so surprising—they’ve also told the U.S. EPA that if the planet warms that will be okay because humans can ‘adapt their physiology’ to cope. The Koch Brothers, needless to say, are also backing the plan, and may reap huge profits from it.

RV> The last thing America needs now is affordable energy, jobs and - worst of all - profit! YUCK!

So we’re pretty sure that without serious pressure the Keystone Pipeline will get its permit from Washington. A wonderful coalition of environmental groups has built a strong campaign across the continent—from Cree and Dene indigenous leaders to Nebraska farmers, they’ve spoken out strongly against the destruction of their land. We need to join them, and to say even if our own homes won’t be crossed by this pipeline, our joint home—the earth—will be wrecked by the carbon that pours down it.

RV> We'd much prefer our joint home be wrecked by terrible weapons we're helping Venezuela and Middle Eastern countries buy instead. Again: we're old-fashioned.

And we need to say something else, too: it’s time to stop letting corporate power make the most important decisions our planet faces.

RV> These decisions should be made by government power, for their ulterior motives are less clear!

We don’t have the money to compete with those corporations, but we do have our bodies, and beginning in mid August many of us will use them. We will, each day through Labor Day, march on the White House, risking arrest with our trespass. We will do it in dignified fashion, demonstrating that in this case we are the conservatives, and that our foes—who would change the composition of the atmosphere are dangerous radicals.

RV> Because normally conservatives are the dangerous radicals. Get it? High five!

Come dressed as if for a business meeting—this is, in fact, serious business. And another sartorial tip—if you wore an Obama button during the 2008 campaign, why not wear it again? We very much still want to believe in the promise of that young Senator who told us that with his election the ‘rise of the oceans would begin to slow and the planet start to heal.’

RV> Because The Obama possesses such a power.

We don’t understand what combination of bureaucratic obstinacy and insider dealing has derailed those efforts, but we remember his request that his supporters continue on after the election to pressure the government for change. We’ll do what we can.

RV> As you recall, we gave the previous President the same benefit of the doubt when he was in office, and assumed it was some issue with that pesky paperwork.

And one more thing: we don’t want college kids to be the only cannon fodder in this fight. They’ve led the way so far on climate change—10,000 came to DC for the Powershift gathering earlier this spring. They’ve marched this month in West Virginia to protest mountaintop removal; Tim DeChristopher faces sentencing this summer in Utah for his creative protest.

RV> Ah ... Fun, Fraud and Felony: the 3 F's of creativity!

Now it’s time for people who’ve spent their lives pouring carbon into the atmosphere (and whose careers won’t be as damaged by an arrest record) to step up too.

RV> The arrest record won't damage your career nearly as much as our potential success might cost your job, retirement savings, and the tax revenue on which your social programs rely.

Most of us signing this letter are veterans of this work, and we think it’s past time for elders to behave like elders. One thing we don’t want is a smash up: if you can’t control your passions, this action is not for you.

RV> As Harold Ramis said in Stripes: "I want you guys to know that if we ever get into really heavy combat ... I'll be right behind you guys. Every step of the way."

This won’t be a one-shot day of action. We plan for it to continue for several weeks, to the date in September when by law the administration can either grant or deny the permit for the pipeline. Not all of us can actually get arrested—half the signatories to this letter live in Canada, and might well find our entry into the U.S. barred. But we will be making plans for sympathy demonstrations outside Canadian consulates in the U.S., and U.S. consulates in Canada—the decision-makers need to know they’re being watched.

RV> And trust me, it takes real guts to launch a protest in Canada, the most dangerous and hostile oil exporting nation on the planet!

Winning this battle won’t save the climate. But losing it will mean the chances of runaway climate change go way up—that we’ll endure an endless future of the floods and droughts we’ve seen this year. And we’re fighting for the political future too—for the premise that we should make decisions based on science and reason, not political connection. You have to start somewhere, and this is where we choose to begin.

RV> And actually, winning will cause the oil to be shipped to Asia instead, burning even more oil, while we continue to burn oil bringing it in from the Middle East. So don't worry about winning - we actually want to lose this one, folks.

If you think you might want to be a part of this action, we need you to sign up here. As plans solidify in the next few weeks we’ll be in touch with you to arrange nonviolence training; our colleagues at a variety of environmental and democracy campaigns will be coordinating the actual arrangements.

RV> Break as many laws as you want, providing you're non-violent it's all ok - just ask Kenneth Lay.

We know we’re asking a lot. You should think long and hard on it, and pray if you’re the praying type. But to us, it’s as much privilege as burden to get to join this fight in the most serious possible way. We hope you’ll join us.

RV> And the most serious possible way is to trespass, hang out with celebrities, sing chants and disrupt those who are on their way to work to deal with this in silly ways.

Maude Barlow
Wendell Berry
Tom Goldtooth
Danny Glover
James Hansen
Wes Jackson
Naomi Klein
Bill McKibben
George Poitras
David Suzuki
Gus Speth

RV> A group of people spread all across the political spectrum, who consult with a wide array of perspectives to examine these issues from a number of different angles.

p.s. Please pass this letter on to anyone else you think might be interested. We realize that what we’re asking isn’t easy, and we’re very grateful that you’re willing even to consider it

RV> Speaking of which, I've already forwarded it to Hugo Chavez and Saudi Aramco, who are both very interested.

- * - * - * -

Powerful stuff, I know. So what are you waiting for? Get on the right side of this issue! Even if it has to be shipped halfway across the planet, DEMAND that your oil comes from somewhere that respects the environment, like Saudi Arabia! Or do you think you know better than Margot Kidder?

Want more current events jokes?

Times I Have Been Booed

2011-08-18T14:25:00.002-06:00

1. During/After intimate acts with a woman. Either by the woman, or someone who was secretly watching.

2. At all-you-can-eat buffets.

3. At my birthday parties. Although some of it is actually for my parents.

4. When removing my shirt at the beach.

5. At my annual physical. This was quite unnecessary.

6. When I walk in front of the window without closing my robe. (My neighbours eventually pitched in for some drapes).

7. By my tailor. Every single time. Enough already!

8. Farting on a crowded elevator. In an old lady's face.

9. Vulturing leftover food in the conference room at work.

10. I swear the animals at the zoo are booing me.

Want more jokes about me?

Brazilian churrasco

2011-08-10T10:30:00.008-06:00

Ever been to a Brazilian churrasco? My first time was at Fogo de Chao in Houston almost ten years ago. It's one price to get in, and they give you a coaster with a green side and a red side.

Green side = Please come to my table and cut all different kinds of meat onto my plate.
vs
Red side = Please stop. I am going to barf. Bring me a bucket.

Needless to say, we went with the green side a lot, because the food is fantastic.

They opened one in Calgary a couple of years ago called Bolero, and I've been there a few times. It's roughly the same, but the waiters aren't quite so aggressive.

Bolero = Waiters casually wander the restaurant once every ten minutes, gently offering small portions of meat.
vs
Fogo de Chao = Waiters bum-rush anyone with a green coaster, piling their plates high, force-feeding them with slingshots and punching them in the stomach to make room for more.

It understandably takes a bit longer to eat at Bolero (an hour or two) than Fogo de Chao (three minutes). In fact, I recently accompanied my new special lady to a work party at Bolero. After an hour or so, I hadn't noticed that everyone else at the table had stopped eating for a while already, so she leaned over and whispered to me "Robert, flip it to red. You're frightening my friends."

That wasn't the first time I've frightened people at a Brazilian churrasco. At my last job I remember going for some training in Dallas with a colleague from Oklahoma. I suggested we hit a Brazilian churrasco on our last night in town, but he thought it would be wasted on a skinny-ass Canadian like me. I don't know why he had to bring nationalist pride into this, but it was on! (And yes, I'm considered slim in Texas).

I was wise enough to have a light breakfast and just soup for lunch, whereas this cocky bastard had two huge meals. Once at the churrasco I skipped the salad bar (that's for rookies) and ordered water - this arrogant guy loads up on vegetables and bread, and orders a beer. Big mistake!

Well, let me tell you - I matched that guy plate for plate. After several rounds through the menu things got tense, and I saw the waiters placing bets. He was starting to sweat, and it wasn't just meat sweats. I had my best poker face on, but truth be told inside I was trying to figure out if I wanted to crap or barf.

Eventually he tells me that this is all quite ridiculous, and we should both agree to stop with what we had right there. If we both stopped at the same time we could both leave with our pride intact, he explained. I had nothing more to prove - so I agreed, and we stopped.

Waiter comes by to offer coffee and dessert and you know what he did? He ordered a tres leches - that's a cake soaked in milk. He looked at me, and I said "you want to fire dairy on top of all that meat? You, sir, are on your own!"

Long story short, I know my way around Brazilian churrascos and I urge you to give it a try if there's one in your town. Just skip the tres leches.

In closing, here are a couple of cartoons you'll enjoy from "Hark, a vagrant!":

1. Vollmans throughout history

2. I think those are actually stink-lines

Want more jokes about food?

Jughead's Crown

2011-06-30T10:12:00.002-06:00

Vollman: Dude, what's that on your buddy's head?

Archie: Who, Jughead?

Vollman: His name is Jughead?

Archie: Yeah. Jughead Jones.

Vollman: Really? Jughead.

Archie: Yeah, Jughead ...

Vollman: And what's that on his head?

Archie: What, his hat?

Vollman: Is that what you call it? Dude, that's not a hat.

Archie: It's not?

Vollman: It's a crown. Your buddy is wearing a crown.

Archie: So?

Vollman: Your friend "Jughead" is wearing a crown. In public.

Archie: Yeah he wears that all the time, never takes it off.

Vollman: Does he think he's a king?

Archie: A king? No, I don't think so.

Vollman: Then why does he always wear a crown?

Archie: I don't know, I guess he likes it.

Vollman: Does he have a rather severe mental illness?

Archie: Jughead?

Vollman: Yes, Jughead. The guy who wears a crown everywhere he goes. Him. Severe mental illness.

Archie: No, I don't think so. What are you getting at?

Vollman: How long have you known Jughead?

Archie: My whole life.

Vollman: And he always wears a crown.

Archie: Yes...?

Vollman: And nobody ever talked to him about it?

Archie: And say what, exactly?

Vollman: I don't know, something like "Dude - you're not a king."

Archie: No, I guess I never thought to say anything.

Vollman: HE'S WEARING A CROWN!

Archie: Why is this making you so upset?

Vollman: Your best friend wears a crown everywhere he goes - a CROWN - and everybody's all cool with that?

Archie: I guess so. That's just sort of his thing.

Vollman: No, listening to Nickelback is a "thing" - this dude is wearing a CROWN. Seriously! What kind of paint did they use in his house?

Archie: I don't know. Listen, can we just drop this?

Vollman: Doesn't the crown bother you? At all?

Archie: No. That's just Jughead. Listen, I should get going ...

Vollman: I mean, it's a crown!

Archie: ... need to put 25 cents in my jalopy ...

Vollman: A CROWN!

Archie: ...

Want more of my assorted humour?

My Blog Turns Eight!

2011-06-21T16:27:00.005-06:00

This blog is now eight years old. I started it in June 2003, roughly the same time I bought the thing of mustard that’s still in the back of my fridge.

Normally I get bored with things after a few months, but here we are after eight years and it’s still going strong.

The #2 complaint I get about my blog is that I don’t write often enough, but I’ve written over 750 posts so far – that’s almost 100 per year! By the way, the #1 complaint I get about my blog is that it really, really sucks.

This year I thought I’d celebrate my blogiversary the same way crappy 80s sitcoms did when they ran out of fresh material: with a flashback!

The Best of I Don’t Make the Rules, 2003-2011

Ask Rob: Nope!
This is where I answered the question about whether or not I worry about losing job or dating opportunities because someone will find something inappropriate on my blog. The real comedy, however, is in the comments section.

Inappropriate things to say to Patrick Stewart
This is one of those rare occasions where a joke turns out even better in real life than it was in my head.

Put the Fat Kid in Nets
Most of what I write is based on actual discussions I’ve had with real people, and this one’s a case in point. This post also includes a link at the bottom to the video version I later made.

Father’s Day
My family-themed jokes are especially popular – and not just the ones I shamelessly stole from Bill Cosby.

Bill Gates
This post actually didn’t start off as comedy. For some reason it got really harsh, and I just went with it.

Ask Rob, sick child
If you enjoy this one as much as some of my friends do, there is something very wrong with you.

When is it ok for men to cry
I think we all know the answer to this, but I felt it was time to put it all in writing.

Meeting Elisha Cuthbert
I think everyone can agree that Elisha really missed the boat here.

Michael Jackson video
I put this one on the list even though nobody has told me they liked it. I liked it, and that’s enough.

Using Qualifiers in Compliments
Another post (loosely) based on a real conversation.

Time Travel
This conversation never took place, I just wanted to mock people who have said dumb things to me about time travel. I made the wise choice of casting myself as the belligerent moron. There’s a link to the video version at the bottom.

2011 Canadian election
For some reason, the political humour I used as the 2011 Canadian federal election launched was a big hit among my friends. I tried to follow it up, but failed miserably to reach the same comedic level as the original.

Double Dragon
The only thing funny about this post is that I would spend so much time and energy going into so much detail over an old video game.

Want more of my humour?

Vancouver Riots!

2011-06-16T09:41:00.008-06:00

Quotes from last night's thrilling Game 7 of the Stanley Cup, and the aftermath.

"In fairness, this is Vancouver - half of them are just homeless people."
- CBC reporter, looking at the huge crowds outside General Motors Place before the game.

"Don't shoot the puck over the glass, and don't play the puck outside the trapezoid."
- NHL referees' pre-game instructions, reviewing the only two heinous penalties that would be called.

"Yes, we would have had them in overtime if it weren't for him."
- Henrik Sedin, post-game, when asked by the media if this was Luongo's fault

"Does tear gas even work if they're already crying?"
- Vancouver police officer, upon receiving his orders

"Canuck fans cover their faces with masks and scarves after games? I thought only we had to do that."
- Maple Leaf fan

"Actually, all the diving makes our job a lot easier."
- Police riot police, when approaching the protesters

Caption: And they say Vancouver can't score on the road!

"USA! USA! USA!"
- Bruins fans after their win, obviously recognising the lone, single American on a team with 15 Canadians out of 20.

"The Canucks lost a hockey game? Oh man, that would totally piss me off."
- Egyptian citizen

"In respect to the NHL, we will also not prosecute head shots."
- Police representative

"Because Vancouver fans only riot after sports."
- Vancouver police, when asked why there were no riots at the Olympics

"Vancouver: Canada's most livable city."
- Every survey ever

Want more sports comedy?

Rob's Dating Tips

2011-06-07T15:03:00.004-06:00

Confused about how to approach women? Frustrated with today's dating scene? Nobody can blame you for that, but they can blame you for going to Rob for advice.

I'll confess that my earliest experiences with the ladies met with mixed results, as discussed in this video (or written up here).

Truth be told, I struggled at first, resorting to unorthodox strategies in my teenage years to get a date from a young lady named Tamara.

I even resorted to Internet dating for a period, so I can definitely relate to your struggles.

Fortunately I did eventually learn how to make an impression on the ladies, and you can let my experience be your guide!

The truth is, I met this wonderful young lady named Christy, who only took 5 years to see the light, and agree to see me. I happen to have a clip of our first date, so you can learn some secrets!

As you can see, over the years I've learned a great deal about how to impress the ladies (including Elisha Cuthbert). Witness the results of my methods, as I take you through the most important stage of a date, picking her up.

In closing, my most important piece of advice is to be responsible, and choose a birth control strategy, and one that keeps you safe from the risk of disease. Personally, my favourite is obstinance - it hasn't failed me yet.

Here's a final treat: a video date with me so you can experience it for yourself, first-person!

Want more dating humour?

Stand-Up Comedy

2011-05-31T08:38:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, Monday May 30th, I went up on stage at Broken City for Comedy Monday Night. Did a quick five minute set composed of jokes nominated by my friends. See if you can guess which ones Matsby proposed.

It seemed to go over pretty well. Afterwards I did some "90 seconds with Rob" spots with some of the other comedians, but of course you already know that because you're subscribed to my YouTube feed, right? Right???

Anyway, enjoy!

Want more of my comedy?

My Mother, Bite Expert

2011-05-25T16:18:00.001-06:00

My mother is a bite expert. I don’t know when she earned her PhD in Biteology, but she can look at any piece of food and tell you how many bites it is.

As a kid, when I was about to eat a big piece of meat, my mother would say “Robert! That’s at least three whole bites!” I didn’t even realize there were different types of bites, but there are. “There’s easily four good bites in that piece of meat.” I’m guessing that there are roughly 1.33 good bites in every whole bite.

I tried to prove my mother wrong by putting the entire piece of meat in my mouth and chewing it down. My mouth still full, I smiled at my mother “See? One bite!” Okay, it turned out to be a bite and a gag, but there’s no way that’s three bites.

Surprisingly, my mother was unconvinced. “Aren’t you going to say something to him?” she’d ask my father. “I don’t know honey, he clearly managed it in one bite,” he’d say, but get nothing but ice-cold glares. “Don’t ask me honey, I don’t know anything about bites. I just hit him when he belches!”

I’m pretty sure my mother was the chief bite consultant on Two-Bite Brownies. Originally they were about 35 grams, but my mother said “whoa, what are you doing, cowboy? That’s easily three bites. Either change the packaging or back it off a little!”

Personally I can still do it in one bite.

Want more jokes about food or my mother?

119 Reasons for Christy to go out with Rob

2011-05-23T21:14:00.001-06:00

Back in 1994, a young Rob found 118 reasons why a blonde classmate named Tamara should go out with him. 17 years have passed, and while almost all of the previous reasons still stand, there are now far more reasons why Christy should go out with Rob – 119!

1. When answering the front door, he will now close his robe.
2. Tried to teach uncooperative adults to read, but they just didn't understand that there was no I in team.
3. Once managed a fart so nasty that it even made the cat leave the room.
4. Can beat Einstein at chess. Mostly because he's dead.
5. Doesn't cry when chopping onions - all vegetables have that effect on him.
6. Even when in Georgia, doesn't challenge the devil to musical competitions.
7. Unlike Right Said Fred, is definitely not too sexy for any of his hats.
8. Now wears pants!
9. He is nothing if not chivalrous. And he's not chivalrous.
10. Will only wander away mid-story if you're really boring.
11. Always eats his vegetables - if you consider jelly beans to be beans.
12. Less irritating than Cliff Claven, but knows more trivia.
13. No longer farts on people's keyboards when they’re at yoga.
14. Performs random acts of kindness, with emphasis on the random.
15. Doesn't poop in the litterbox just to watch his cats bury it.
16. Can talk about space for several minutes without making a joke about Uranus.
17. Resigned from the Justin Bieber fan club to spend more time with his sweetie.
18. Doesn't pad lists.
19. Has never suffered from tennis elbow.
20. Wouldn't hug you just to dry his hands.
21. A bold, exciting man – he eats EXTREME Doritos!
22. Neighbours report that there are fewer bags of used kitty litter hurled onto their lawns these days.
23. Wouldn't use you as a human shield if ever the target of a US Strike Force.
24. Is far less likely to pretend to be airsick on a plane.
25. Doesn't always make a sound when you walk through the security scanners at a store, nor stick an item as you walk through. BEEEP!
26. Has never taken a fire truck on a joy ride.
27. Refuses to eat at Boston Pizza ever since they caused the oil spill in the Gulf.
28. Never rolled up the car window on your neck.
29. Pets wait for him at the door every day. (To leave)
30. Has cured previous girlfriends of their fear of darkness. In fact, they now prefer it.
31. Buys lottery tickets for disliked colleagues.
32. Will not always hop off an elevator when a pregnant woman gets on .
33. Wants to be Eliot Ness. Not to be an untouchable or catch Al Capone, but for all the child naming possibilities.
34. Recognizes wiping his nose with his tie as bad etiquette.
35. Wins if he can, loses if he must, but always cheats.
36. Gives his leftover fortune cookies to street people.
37. Doesn't usually blame people for having stupid names when he forgets them or gets them wrong.
38. Knows that Brutus the Barber Beefcake isn't really a barber.
39. Avoid unwanted pregnancies by practicing extreme obstinance with the ladies.
40. Gives bad news in a Kermit the Frog voice.
41. Knows damn well where Carmen Sandiego is.
42. Can now watch Star Wars without making wookie sounds.
43. He’s no licorice racist! He will eat the black licorice equally.
44. He's no oven expert, but he knows that the Dutch don't actually cook that way.
45. Completed several marathons. P.S. Star Trek marathons count.
46. His excellent knowledge of world history allows him to offend practically anyone.
47. On elevators wouldn't put gum over the "ground floor" button.
48. Uses breakfast cereals as pet names .
49. Is happy, knows it, claps his hands.
50. Can't be stopped, not even for Hammer Time.
51. Is fluently bilingual, even his French teachers acknowledged that by calling him "franchement Robert."
52. As a professional journalist he can tell you exactly how much the Oilers suck.
53. Absolutely loves animals. They're delicious!
54. Never posed as a teenage girl on World of Warcraft.
55. It's been years since he dressed as Britney Spears for Hallowe'en.
56. Can show you were to park on a cul-de-sac using the top of his head.
57. Orders Moons Over My Happy at Denny's just for the name.
58. Has more experience than an NDP MP.
59. Keeps an old Speak & Spell around to call home just in case E.T. returns.
60. Is obviously yet to destroy the planet with a Cold Fusion weapon.
61. Always takes the time to laugh and explain why you've overpaid for something.
62. Makes trumpet sounds when grabbing your ass.
63. He fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
64. No need to compete for his time with the gym.
65. When he said that talking with you was a great way to waste an hour, it was a compliment. Come on, he said it was a GREAT way!
66. He always has great Hallowe'en costumes, like the creepy guy who stares at the girl dressed as Xena. Or Roman Senator.
67. Doesn't waste a lot of money on hair products.
68. Is not a Sith Lord.
69. He's so young-looking that they didn't even check his ID at A&W when he ordered a Teen Burger.
70. Was never, ever at risk of catching H1N1 from a girl.
71. The surgeon general offered him a cigarette.
72. Only steals a few jokes from Rodney Dangerfield.
73. Will not make up stories about cough syrup or fertilizer when used as a job reference.
74. His face and a baby's bottom grow more similar every day, and in more ways.
75. He's not after your lucky charms, so relax.
76. Not once did he ever throw your purse out the window.
77. Has a whole section named after him in the employee code of conduct!
78. Still undefeated at pole vaulting. Unbelievable!
79. Doesn't giggle while watching UFC every time someone says "rear naked choke" or "ground and pound."
80. Knows exactly what Willis was talkin' 'bout.
81. Is happy to fix any spelling and grammar mistakes you may make on love notes.
82. Never bitten by a radioactive spider.
83. At Hallowe'en kids give HIM candy.
84. His personal hygiene is at least as good as Michael Landon's sidekick on Highway to Heaven.
85. You rhyme with what you eat, and he doesn't eat too many eggrolls.
86. Talks about his poo less frequently.
87. Ok, no he doesn't, but he tries.
88. He knows how to show someone a good time. Just take them some place nice, find a happy couple, and say "there's one!"
89. He may be insane in the membrane, but his brain is just fine .
90. Enjoys looking at animals mating, especially those of incompatible species.
91. What an environmentalist. If it's brown, he'll flush it down, but if it's yellow, he lets it smellow.
92. Got side-view mirrors where objects are exactly as large as they appear.
93. Has his own reasons for reading National Geographic.
94. Since laughter is the best medicine, you could say he's almost as good as Nyquil.
95. Isn't responsible for Elizabeth's nickname. Come on, "Lizard-Breath" just snuck out!
96. Doesn't always make puns when served peas.
97. He knew Captain Underpants when he was just a Lieutenant .
98. Can sit motionless on the couch for hours.
99. Doesn't make assumptions, because they make an "ass" out of "u" and "mption."
100. Can change the lyrics of practically any song to be about something highly inappropriate.
101. No longer unleashes fart balloons at kid's parties.
102. Will sweep the garbage off the passenger car seat for you. Nothing is too good for his lady!
103. Recently outgrew wearing his popcorn bucket as a hat.
104. His long-winded stories occasionally have a point if you stick with it long enough.
105. Just 98 legs shy of being a centipede.
106. His frequent mispronunciations of McManus' name are unintentional.
107. He studied a broad.
108. He'll keep you abreast.
109. Is very discrete about his lack of post-bathroom hand-washing.
110. Is serious, AND you can call him Shirley.
111. Hasn't been booed by a Peeping Tom in years.
112. Calls wet farts the far classier "farts with benefits."
113. Was sent to the Gulf after the oil spill, because he can plug anything.
114. Doesn’t always change the lyrics of "Simply the Best" by Tina Turner to be about him.
115. Never talks about race or religion! You know, unless it's part of a joke.
116. So inspired by Schindler that he keeps a list of all his friends and how much he would spend to save them from Nazis.
117. Made only one reference to Nazis in this list.
118. Knows how to invest his time in productive ways.
119. The world ends in 2012 anyway, what the heck!

Want more jokes about dating?

Use the word Actually

2011-05-10T12:39:00.002-06:00

Actually is actually one of my favourite words. Just like with air quotes and qualifiers, with it I can transform a compliment into a back-handed insult.

It works very easily, consider the following example:

Compliment: You make a good point.

Now, add the word actually. Add it anywhere.

You actually make a good point.
Actually, you make a good point.
You make a good point, actually.

It's more of a backhanded compliment now, because it expresses the fact that the positive outcome is actually somewhat of a surprise. The word actually is your way of complimenting someone but establishing that expectations were very low.

You actually look good in that outfit.
You are welcome to join us this Friday, actually.
Actually, I will go out with you. Actually.

The more actually you add to a sentence the better.

Anyway, that's just my latest tip. And remember: when you take advice from Vollman you always get exactly what you deserve.

Want more jokes about being a jerk?

Vollman's on Twitter!

2011-05-07T22:22:00.003-06:00

This is starting to become an infection.

Want more jokes about me?

What Went Wrong for the Liberals?

2011-05-03T09:59:00.004-06:00

The Liberals have suffered a historic defeat, winning an all-time low 34 seats and under 19% of the popular vote. Studying the success of the Conservatives and the NDP it's easy for strategists to identify what went wrong.

What Went Wrong with the Liberal Campaign

10. Triggered an election without a major policy, scandal or, you know, a point of any kind at all

9. Too nice to 19-year-old girls at their rallies, apparently

8. Lost votes in Alberta because they were reminded of the 30-year-old NEP, should have threatened to immediately shut down their oil sands instead.

7. Lost votes in Manitoba for saying they'd scrap the Jets

6. When you think about it, simply walking away with the ballot boxes like the Tories seems like a rather obvious trick

5. Speaking french

4. Making the same promises as the last seven elections started to wear on their credibility

3. They actually costed out their promises - they're still slapping their heads over that rookie mistake!

2. Lacked the debating skills of a potted plant

1. Went with astronauts and Harvard professors as candidates instead of the waitress at Denny's

Want more Canadian political humour?

Quotes from Election Night 2011

2011-05-02T23:03:00.004-06:00

"The results are in, and in what is apparently our final broadcast, we're announcing a Conservative majority." - CBC's clearly disappointed anchor Peter Mansbridge

"I will honour my pledge to destroy the oil sands, cost all of you your jobs, and the revenues for your social programs. I will follow through on my promise to bulldoze your home to use as firewood in Quebec." - Linda Duncan, winner in Edmonton-Strathcona

"So ... should we stick around?" - House of Commons french translators.

"We have a lot of openings, and we wish our employees good luck in Ottawa." - VP of Human Resources, Home Depot Quebec.

"Seriously folks? You do realize I was in fucking OUTER SPACE?!? But good luck from the cashier from Sears." - defeated astronaut Marc Garneau

"Losers? Yes, we feel awful about the devastating results. We'll be crying ourselves to sleep on all these giant bags of money we've accumulated over the past 18 years." - defeated Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe.

"I'd like to thank everyone for participating in this case study in Canadian politics, a valuable part of my thesis I'll be publishing at Harvard later this year." - Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff.

"Elizabeth May won!" - CTV reporter/coffee girl sent to cover the Green Party campaign. Also an NDP candidate.

"Apparently we should have been meaner to 19-year-old girls." - Liberal staffer, on what went wrong.

"Is it over yet? Can someone please untie me?" - Rob Anders

"Harper got 77% of the vote in Alberta? Dang!" - Kim Il Jung

"Get your gay marriages today! Quick! Also, abortions." - Toronto City Hall

"Is that Jack Layton, or did they steal our bit where we use a cardboard cut-out and just move the lips?" - Conan O'Brien.

"I want cliches only in the front row of our rally. Nobody with private sector jobs, no women with long hair, and start passing out some granola." - NDP campaign organizer

"I won!" - Potted plant running as a Conservative, Calgary

"Bev Oda was re-elected after that? Really?" - Belinda Stronach

Want more Canadian political humour?

Final Seat Projection

2011-05-01T22:26:00.006-06:00

Here is the seat projection from the Election Prediction Project, which is usually very accurate.

Conservative 146
NDP 65
Liberal 63
Bloc Quebecois 33
Independent 1 (Andre Arthur)
Greens 0

This would leave the Conservaties with roughly the same size minority government. All opposition parties would have to work together to defeat them, just like the today. The only difference is that instead of having the most opposition seats, the Liberals would be roughly the same as the NDP, probably even smaller.

Chances are they would find a way to defeat the Conservatives, and form a government later this year, but since it would be hard for the Liberals and NDP to share power equally, and since they'd be propped up by the separatist Bloc Quebecois, it probably wouldn't last long, and we'd soon have another election.

Meanwhile the final projections at CalgaryGrit.blogspot.com are as follows.

Conservative 146
NDP 83
Liberals 55
Bloc 22
Green 1
Independent 1

The chances of a Conservative majority is just 28%. Only a week ago it was over 50%, but it's up slightly from the low point of 20% a few days ago.

The chances of the first NDP official opposition in history is pegged as a certainty. If so, they will become the fifth different party to form the official opposition since 1993 (sixth if you consider the Canadian Alliance to be a different party than Reform).

Once again this will keep the Conservatives shy of a majority government, and once again all opposition parties would have to work together to defeat them. In this case I'm certain that the Conservatives would NOT be quickly defeated, because the Liberals would have to support an NDP government with Jack Layton as prime minister - I'm not sure they'd do that. In fact, if the Conservatives do a little better, and are just a few seats shy of a majority, a few Liberals might even be enticed to cross the floor, join them, and give them a majority.

While I agree that this prediction is a correct interpretation of current polling data, I don't think the actual vote will match the polls. I think a lot of people said they'd support the NDP, but either won't vote, or will vote for someone else instead. It's a lot of fun to get swept up in their momentum, and to be part of a historic event, but it's quite another to actually go out and vote for them.

Final Verdict

I stick to my original prediction: A Conservative minority government roughly the same size as today. Given that it appears that all opposition parties will have to work together to defeat them, it will probably last a few months before it is defeated, and then replaced with a Liberal minority, backed up by the others, by the time the leaves fall. In turn, that government will be defeated and we'll vote again in 2012.

Want more on Canadian politics?

Moustache

2011-04-22T12:54:00.004-06:00

Ok the following picture has been making it's way around the Internet, so I thought I'd take a pause from my coverage of the Canadian federal election to get out in front of the controversy.

You see, there's a very simple explanation for this photo.

Top Ten Reasons Vollman Grew a Moustache

1. He is officially endorsing Jack Layton in the Canadian federal election

2. He's taking the fire-fighters certification test and thought this would help

3. A new high school opened up nearby and he wants to keep the teenagers away. (Also, he got a van)

4. Let's just say you should never bet on the Phoenix Coyotes in the NHL play-offs. (I thought they were due!!!)

5. He isn't man enough to break up with his girlfriend himself

6. He's travelling back in time to the 1980s and wants to fit in

7. His mother just made him some really delicious and hearty soup and he doesn't want to waste a single drop.

8. He thinks he's 17 and wants to buy beer for his friends.

9. He's now the dictator of a Central American nation.

10. He's planning one heck of a combover.

Want to read more jokes about me?

NDP Surge

2011-04-21T08:34:00.008-06:00

The big election campaign story this week is the rise in the polls of the New Democratic Party and their charismatic leader Jack Layton.

Polling below 20% when the campaign began, they have since charged up into the high 20s, threatening to supplant the Liberals as the Official Opposition. How can we explain their recent popularity among voters?

Top Ten Reasons for the NDP Surge

1. There's a new bus route in Vancouver that goes directly from the Hemp Emporium to the polling station.

2. Most of the NDP gains are in Quebec, where Jack Layton has been marketing himself as chain-smoking, bear-drinking former NHLer Jacques LeTon.

3. The student-organised "vote mobs" have been far more popular than the "get informed" mobs.

4. The NDP has done more than anyone to close the gender gap by fielding women candidates in a record 39% of Canada's ridings. Now if only we could get women the vote ...

5. Opinion surveys show that Jack Layton is seen as more trustworthy than Stephen Harper and Michael Ignatieff. In fairness, so is Charlie Sheen.

6. Votes were gained by Jack Layton's performance at the federal leader's debate, where his matching skin colour made it look like the wall behind him was talking to us.

7. New NDP commercials that feature cartoon caricatures of the party leaders are seen as more interesting than anything else on CBC.

8. Jack Layton's moustache has secured the cop vote.

9. Celebrity endorsements, including famous Richmond B.C. gold medalist hockey player Brent Seabrook, who endorsed the NDP - mere moments after a concussion-inducing cheap shot from Vancouver's Raffi Torres. (Note: Torres supports the Conservatives).

10. Their twin policies of going after companies with high credit card fees and their proposed federal budget both appeal to Canadians who are absolutely terrible managing money.

How about us? Should we vote for Jack Layton? Of course! As countries like Greece have taught us, the worldwide economy is great, and it's time to tax-borrow-and-spend our way into prosperity!

And since the federal government already has all of its own affairs fully in order, we need to elect someone who will get involved in provincial jurisdictions like health care, and tackle the issues that really matter: credit cards and Parliamentary attendance.

And hey - if that's not persuasive enough, did I mention that Jack Layton is a Trekkie?

Nuff said!

Want more political humour?

Canada's Most Important Issues

2011-04-14T23:00:00.005-06:00

"What elections are really about are the issues. And I'm an expert on issues because every woman I've ever dated has told me that I have lots of them." - Vollman

Generally voters make their decisions based on where the respective parties stand on the issues. The candidate that can speak persuasively to the issues that matter the most will surely win every time.

Now in the USA or UK the key issues are generally the economy, health care, the environment, foreign affairs, education, immigration, and maybe gun control. In Canada we don't distract ourselves with trivialities like those, so for the benefit of my non-Canadian reader(s), here are the issues that are considered most important to those in the Great White North.

1. Hockey
It should come as no surprise that hockey is way more important than anything our politicians have to say. For instance, while our debates simply could not be modified to arrange for the inclusion of the Green Party, they could easily be moved to avoid any conflict with Game 1 of the NHL Playoffs between the Montreal Canadiens and the Boston Bruins. I especially enjoyed Coach's Corner during the first intermission where Don Cherry gave us the low-down on what we should do in Afghanistan.

2. Having Rude Staff
The headline story for weeks was how a 19-year-old girl tried to get into an election rally held for the prime minister, but was kicked out very rudely by his staff, allegedly for something that was on her Facebook page. If that's true I can't imagine what they would have done to me!

As many people have said, that pretty much makes us a police state. There's really not much difference between someone's staff being rude to a girl at a rally and the stuff Qaddafi is doing in Libya. Our prime minister was found in contempt of Parliament, lied about spending, broke many of his most important promises, all of which was tolerable, but having staff that's rude to chicks? Sorry, but that shit just has to stop!

Note: Remember, it's just the staff. For example, it's ok to have white supremacists as actual candidates, just don't have any criminals on your staff!

3. No nerds!
Canada has attack ads, just like everywhere else. Perhaps our most vicious attack ads are reserved for Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff and his shameful past. Does he have a history with drugs, or infidelity, or perhaps a criminal past involving embezzlement or fraud? No, it's far worse! The dude went to Harvard! It's a good thing he doesn't wear glasses or he'd have gotten a wedgie at the federal debates.

4. Attendance
Remember in grade two when they took roll call in the morning, and if you had too many absences during the course of the school year, your grade dropped a full point? Well this is just one of many ways that Parliament resembles grade two.

5. What They Momentarily Believed Long Ago
In Canada we believe that opinions never, ever change, so something you said casually and long ago must still stand today, regardless of what you've done or said since then.

For example, where does prime minister Harper stand on public health care? Given that health care spending is at an all-time high, he's in favour, right? Rookie mistake! Nine years ago he talked about private, for-profit health care, so he's against. He's also against women's rights, as demonstrated by a 1969 quote where he clearly said "girls are gross" in the schoolyard. Shame!

6. Having Cool Friends
Canada supported the Kyoto Accord, but not out of any commitment to lowering greenhouse gases, but more so they could hang out with all the cool countries of the world. Sorry USA, but you're lame! So it came as quite a blow when the United Nations voted our seat on the Security Council to Portugal. Now we'll lose all the tremendous gains that seat gave us over the years, like uh ... um ... you know. If we had only been a little more anti-semitic - damnit!

7. Credit Cards
Canada is the 2nd largest country in the world, a member of the G20 as one of the most powerful and influential economic countries in the world - We're also a leading member in NATO and the United Nations. We're one of the most multicultural and multilingual nations in the world, with universal health care and an advanced educational system.

Nevertheless, the key focus for our nation's most important leaders has got to be the high interest rates on credit cards. That is something we can't possibly figure out for ourselves, and requires the immediate attention of our most senior elected officials. In fact, we were going to ask the Queen to get personally involved on this one, but then we found a pair of scissors.

8. Piano Lessons
To the untrained eye it may appear that all of our parties have virtually the exact same platform, but that's because you don't know what you're looking for. Sure, we may essentially agree on tax rates, health care and education spending, and deficit reduction, but did you know that one of the parties is offering a tax credit for piano lessons? AND gym memberships! Personally I think they should slow down and maybe we should have a debate and a referendum on things like that, but I guess that's why you need to vote extra carefully this time around.

Well that's it for this week. I really hope this information is helping you Canadians make the most important choice you'll probably make all week, and also giving a rare glimpse to you non-Canadians into our political system. Feel free to post questions in the comments, as you all have done so generously so far.

Want more Political Humour?

Canadian Election Leader's Roundtable

2011-04-07T10:07:00.005-06:00

Time for another weekly catch-up with each of the major party leaders. I've received a few questions over email, most of them from mainstream reporters, like this one.

Hi Rob,

Can you please ask the enclosed questions the next time you chat with the leaders? I tried to ask them myself, but Stephen Harper said "talk to the hand," Michael Ignatieff punched me in the stomach in Charlesbourg - after which Layton took my wallet - and Gilles Duceppe started speaking this weird old language from the 18th century.

Much obliged,
Jane Taber

Based on their headlines, Jane and the mainstream media already know that Canadians make their choice based not on the economy, employment, foreign affairs, Arctic sovereignty, the environment, or other trivialities like that, but rather on whose staff was rude to a 19-year-old girl at a rally. Needless to say, I had to approach prime minister Harper first and ask him the stuff Canadians really need to know.

Stephen Harper, Conservatives

Vollman: Mr. Harper ... Limiting reporter's questions, kicking people out of rallies - are you being too controlling?

Harper: What? Not at all! Listen, how about I ask myself the questions instead?

Vollman: No dice, Harper! And how did you fail to notice that Bruce Carson was a criminal fraudster, but managed to spot that a teenager at your rally who was pictured with Michael Ignatieff on Facebook?

Harper: You're seriously asking me why we have more thorough research on 19-year-old girls? Haven't you got any better questions, Vollman?

Vollman: As a matter of fact, I do. All throughout the country there are candidates putting their own goals aside and throwing their support behind whichever candidate can defeat you. The media is running front page stories about a minor misunderstanding at a rally while turning a blind eye to anti-First Nations comments by other party's candidates. Why does everyone hate you so much?

Harper: Let's just say there was an incident in the Parliamentary cafeteria on chocolate brownie day, and leave it at that.

Vollman: Duuuude!!

Next, it was time to chat with his most likely replacement, opposition leader Michael Ignatieff.

Michael Ignatieff, Liberals

Vollman: You released your new platform this week - What's the key message you hope to get across?

Ignatieff: That the politics of hope is more powerful than the politics of fear. So vote Liberal or it'll be a MAJOR DISASTER! Be afraid!

Vollman: You keep warning us about that. What's the big threat?

Ignatieff: Haven't you been following the news? His campaign staff is full of criminals and racists! That shows poor judgment, my friend.

Vollman: Wait a minute, didn't your own candidate Andre Forbes call aboriginals featherheads, and say they have no work ethic?

Ignatieff: Yes, but his staff all have clean criminal records. Why don't you go and hassle Gilles Duceppe, his candidate is even worse!

... So I did!

Gilles Duceppe, Bloc Quebecois

Vollman: Recently BQ MP Yvon Levesque made questionable comments about his First Nations opponent Romeo Saganash. Is racism a problem in your party?

Duceppe: Wow, I'm not sure what to say. I'm shocked.

Vollman: By his remarks?

Duceppe: No, that someone would actually hold us responsible. Aren't you afraid that we'll separate?

Vollman: Um ...

Duceppe: Tell you what, give me a few million and we can pretend this never happened.

So I cautiously hung up the phone and tried to find someone a little safer to talk with instead.

Elizabeth May, Green Party

Vollman: Why won't you participate in the minor parties debate?

May: I don't want to be in a debate associated with insignificant attention-seeking fringe parties, screaming their uninformed, wingnut views.

Vollman: But the NDP won't be in this one. And by the way, is Alanis Morrissette your campaign director, perchance?

May: Huh?

Vollman: Never mind. I also wanted to ask you about Kamloops candidate Donovan Cavers, who recently quit and threw his support behind whoever can beat the Conservatives. Former leader Jim Harris worries that the socialist faction of the Green Party has pushed its environmental objectives to the background. Have the Greens become too partisan?

May: Not at all! The Green Party attracts voters from across the spectrum, Robert. We have members from the radical-left all the way over to the far-left.

Vollman: So is the Green Party just another vote-splitting left-wing splinter group?

May: Why are you hassling me? You're just as bad as Canada's media and their right-wing bias, who cost me the last election. Why don't you go bug that right-wing extremist Jack Layton, didn't he have a candidate do the same thing?

With a sigh, I took May's advice, and called Jack.

Jack Layton, NDP

Layton: Ottawa is broken, and it's time to fix it.

Vollman: That's nice Jack.

Layton: I'm running for prime minister!

Vollman: Sigh. Jack ... Jack ...

Layton: I ate breakfast at the kitchen table.

Vollman: Jack! Snap out of it!

Layton: What? Oh, it's you Vollman. What's up?

Vollman: I want to ask you something. London NDP Candidate Ryan Dolby stepped down to support the Liberals to try to stop a Conservative victory. Is it more important to elect NDP candidates, or to stop the Conservatives?

Layton: How old are you Vollman?

Vollman: What? I'm 35.

Layton: That's it? Well if you haven't been able to tell, I'm not really interested in you this election.

Vollman: What?

Layton: Get back to me in 20 or 30 years. Or sooner, if you're really irresponsible with your credit cards.

Vollman: That's kind of harsh.

Layton: And stay off my lawn!

Well that's it for another week. Even though the leaders weren't terribly cooperative, I still brought you the things that matter most - campaign volunteers and being rude to teenage girls at a rally.

If that's not enough data for you to make an informed decision, the debates are coming up in a couple of weeks, where we'll no doubt here a lot more about those topics, and given how big and important a country this is, some even more controversial platforms, like credit cards, gym memberships and piano lessons.

Want more political humour?

20 Issues: Pros and Cons

2011-04-04T15:08:00.004-06:00

It can be tough to wade through all the promises being made by the various political parties and make sense of it all. Fortunately, you have me!

To help you figure out where you stand, I’ve chosen the top 20 campaign promises so far, and detailed their mains pros and cons. Let’s begin!

1. $450 million extra for the CBC – roughly a 50% increase (Green)
Pros: More training for future governor generals, less glare on Peter Mansbridge’s head
Cons: Don Cherry’s jackets and Rex Murphy in HD.

2. Spousal income-splitting up to $50,000 for parents (Conservative)
Pros: Removes financial disincentives for families with stay-at-home parents.
Cons: “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.”

3. One-year break from Employment Insurance when hiring new employees (Conservative) or $4500 in tax credits (NDP)
Cons: Less revenue from companies that were going to hire someone anyway.
Pros: More hot young babes around the office.

4. Return corporate tax rates to 18% (Liberal) or raise them to 19.5% (NDP)
Cons: Lower returns for investors, lower corporate profits, less new job creation.
Pros: More government revenue for piano lesson credits and gym membership deductions.

5. Volunteer fire fighters tax credit (Liberal)
Pros: More volunteer fire fighters, reducing the reliance on full-time professionals.
Cons: They still won’t let me take the firetruck on a joy ride.

6. Eliminate federal mandatory retirement legislation (Conservative)
Pros: Allows seniors who hypothetically work for a government that underfunded the pension plan to afford food AND shelter.
Cons: No one to greet us at Walmart.

7. $500 million for full national high-speed wireless internet (Liberal)
Pros: Access your porn quickly no matter where you travel.
Cons: Regulations to download a certain level of Canadian content.

8. High speed rail corridors between Windsor and Quebec, Edmonton and Calgary (Green)
Pros: Finally people can travel quickly and reliably to Windsor, Quebec, Edmonton and Calgary.
Cons: Nobody actually wants to go to Windsor, Quebec, Edmonton and Calgary.

9. Ban public subsidies to political parties (Conservative)
Pros: Reduces party reliance on the taxpayer, who currently provide up to 85% of their revenues.
Cons: Important political movements may struggle to survive without federal support, like separatism.

10. Interest-free student loans for part-time workers (Conservative)
Cons: The concern that easy money might get some students into debt trouble.
Pros: Even the most reckless students would be far better at managing money than the government.

11. One billion dollars to help students attend university or trade school (Liberal)
Pros: A substantial investment in education could help Canada come out strong from this recession.
Cons: We won’t have the available funds if Dr. Evil ever threatens us with a death laser.

12. $700M boost to Guaranteed Income Supplement (Liberal) and a doubling of pension benefits (NDP)
Cons: Generations of Canadians would have to work harder and longer to provide the additional revenues required.
Pros: Hey, it’s not like that generation enjoyed decades of high-cost programs and is leaving us with the multi-trillion dollar bill, right?

13. Ban oil exploration in the Arctic and tanker access to BC coastlines (Liberal)
Cons: Higher energy prices, reduced energy sector revenues and employment.
Pros: No chance of Arctic drilling activity accidentally awakening long-slumbering alien beasts.

14. Scrap the long-gun registry (Conservative)
Pros: Re-direct hundreds of millions of dollars over the long run to more effective crime prevention strategies.
Cons: In the event of a crime, police will be unable to determine the identity of those completely uninvolved.

15. Cap on credit card interest rates and transactions fees (NDP)
Cons: An inefficient, expensive way to replace what can be done just as easily with a pair of scissors.
Pros: Keeps the financially-challenged NDP focused on issues in which they can do limited damage.

16. Free trade agreements with the EU and India (Conservative)
Pros: Removes restrictions on imports, and boosts Canadian exports to two continents.
Cons: I don’t think anyone outside Canada wants any poutine.

17. Cancel the new F-35 fighter jets (Liberal)
Pros: Save billions up front, and hundreds of millions in maintenance per year.
Cons: It’s only a matter of time before one of our older jets crashes during a Grey Cup flyover, killing the Guess Who.

18. An extra $180 million for Canada Council for the Arts (Liberal)
Pros: That much money can help sustain tens of thousands of great Canadian artists every year.
Cons: Name one.

19. One billion for childcare spaces (Liberal)
Pros: Finally single parents get the assistance they need to earn a living.
Cons: Parents spend less time with their children. No Dad, I didn’t put this point in the wrong column.

20. No carbon tax (Liberal)
Pros: Reduced costs of heat, transportation, and life’s essentials.
Cons: Angry glares from Al Gore.

That's it for this week! As you continue to follow the campaign coverage, be sure to drop me a line when something confuses you, because as we've always said, when you go to Vollman for advice, you always get what you deserve.

Want more political humour?

Enough: Is It Enough?

2011-03-30T11:35:00.003-06:00

You've made the right choice making this blog your preferred news source for the 2011 Canadian federal election. Elections are all about the issues and I'm an expert on issues, because the ladies have always said that I have a lot of them. Major ones, too.

As you can tell from the title, my first call was with Liberal leader Michael "Morpheus" Ignatieff.

Vollman: So, I saw your latest attack ad, but I was left wondering ... Enough. Is it really Enough?
Ignatieff: Yes. And that's that.
Vollman: Excellent, I'm glad you're taking such a brave, controversial stand. Speaking of clearing things up, you recently said there would be no coalition under any circumstances.
Ignatieff: That's correct.
Vollman: So if the Conservatives win more seats, you'll let them form a government?
Ignatieff: Whoa! Slow that horsie down! I'll still work out a deal with the other parties to steal power.
Vollman: I thought you said there'd be no coalition?
Ignatieff: Don't worry, I'll call it something else. An agreement, an accord, an understanding, a marriage, a nation, whatever - but Canadians have my solemn word that we won't call it a coalition.
Vollman: Good, I'm sure that was the only problem. Speaking of problems, apparently there's a problem with the CBC Compass application, which tells users to vote Liberal regardless of how they answer questions. Any comments?
Ignatieff: Wasn't the first question "Do you actually watch CBC"? Sounds like it's working perfectly to me!
Vollman: Good point. I heard you made your first policy announcement, a "Learning Passport" - thousands of dollars of tax-free grants for students.
Ignatieff: Yes! As you know, it's really easy to get a job if you have a degree because so few people have them, and with all this extra money lying around, what better way to invest it?
Vollman: I can safely say that it is very hard to argue with your logic, Mr. Ignatieff.
Ignatieff: Why thank you.
Vollman: That's not a compliment. Thanks for your time, I'll call you next week, when hopefully you'll have a policy announcement that's actually in federal jurisdiction.
Ignatieff: Don't hold your breath!

My next call was with the Conservative prime minister, the most hated man in Canadian history, the scourge of the galaxy, the enemy of all that is good and decent in a civilized society, the one and only, Stephen Harper.

Harper: How are ya?
Vollman: Excellent. Did it just get really cold in here?
Harper: Yeah funny how that happens. Enjoying the campaign so far? Did you catch my first policy announcement?
Vollman: A tax credit that doesn't go into effect until 2016? Yeah, I caught that. Isn't that a little far off?
Harper: It's still about 35 years before our CO2 emissions targets are in effect.
Vollman: Good point. Say, I happened to catch that Craigslist ad that was looking for right-wing bloggers to troll news sites, spreading lies and insulting everyone. Is that legit, or just a smear?
Harper: We're just trying to let the average person enjoy the experience of what it's like being in Parliament with us. Why, are you interested?
Vollman: Maybe. But there's one problem, unlike most of your volunteers, like Edmonton's Sebastien Togneri, I'm not under investigation by the RCMP.
Harper: Oh that's too bad, that's actually one of the core qualifications of working with us.
Vollman: I was afraid of that. Listen, I have to go, a winged monkey just landed outside my window
Harper: Just wear a cross and sprinkle some holy water, and he'll leave you alone.
Vollman: Uhhh... thanks.

Naturally it's only fair to have conversations with the other parties, starting with my main man Jack Layton.

Vollman: Good afternoon Jack - still upset about those corporate tax cuts?
Layton: You bet! It's the wrong priority for Canadians.
Vollman: Even though economists agree that, just like last time they were cut, we'd have more jobs, and more over-all revenue?
Layton: Which are totally the wrong priorities! We need to focus on credit cards!
Vollman: Are you serious?
Layton: Absolutely! We're going to go after the credit card companies that are gouging people with high interest rates.
Vollman: Tell me, can all of your policies be replaced with a pair of scissors?
Layton: You bet! Our new slogan is going to be "Vote NDP: Running with Scissors!"
Vollman: Good luck with that. Before I let you go, any plans for the week-end?
Layton: I'm going to go around to all the Tim Horton's and tell the customers that Harper is turning them into hospitals. You know - the usual integrity-based NDP campaigning.
Vollman: Excellent!

I tried calling the Bloc, but their phone was disconnected. Apparently the rest of Canada forgot to pay their bills. So I called the Green Party instead.

May: Hi Robert, good to hear from you. I can't believe you called!
Vollman: Yes, I felt bad that you've been excluded from this year's debates, especially since your support is far higher than parties with similar platforms, like the Communist and Marxist-Leninst parties.
May: Well that's very kind of you. The Green Party should be kept in the debate, otherwise who is going to ask Harper the tough questions?
Vollman: You mean other than the Liberals, NDP, Bloc Quebecois and the CBC?
May: Right.
Vollman: Nobody, I guess.
May: Exactly. What about Canadians that need to hear things at least five different times?
Vollman: Oh come on Elizabeth, how many Canadians need to hear and see the same thing over and over and over again before they finally clue in?
May: Toronto Maple Leafs fans.
Vollman: Ah yes. Good point. Well you have an audience here and now, what would you like to say?
May: We need a fundamental change from the current government, so I urge all voters to support the Green Party! You know, unless it's a close race in your riding, in which case we want you to vote NDP or Liberal. Or pretty much any party that might appoint me a senator some day.
Vollman: I'll pass that on. Thanks for your time, comrade.

Well that's it for this week. I'd like to thank all the leaders for making time to talk with me. If you have questions for the leaders, either post them in the comments, or drop me an email. I promise to ask them next week. You know, unless they're really stupid.

Want more political humour?

Why Another Election?

2011-03-27T09:57:00.009-06:00

It's Canada's 4th election in 7 years, each one costing taxpayers $300 million up-front, and $30 million in per-vote party subsidies. In the absence of an obvious need to consult voters on a philosophical direction, I decided to use my celebrity status to get brief phone interviews with each of the leaders to figure out one thing: why another election?

#1. Michael Ignatieff of the Liberals
The leader of the Liberals was the first to call me back. After swapping our favourite Ukrainian jokes, we got right to the point.

Vollman: Why did you trigger this election?

Ignatieff: The Harper government was found in contempt for lying to the Commons and Parliamentary committees, which is historic. It's never happened before!

Vollman: What about previous instances in the Chretien government where his Liberal MPs did the same thing?

Ignatieff: Yes, but they weren't found in contempt. Do you really want a government that can't even get away with shit like that?

Vollman: I see. But do you think another election is really necessary?

Ignatieff: Elections are an important part of our democracy. It keeps elected official responsible to their constituents.

Vollman: That's very well put!

Ignatieff: Thanks! I was going to use that at the Liberal convention after I was elected leader, but of course we decided just to skip the vote that time.

Vollman: One last question - if the Conservatives win another minority government, are you going to form a coalition with the two other parties?

Ignatieff: This election there is only a Blue Door and a Red Door. Pick the Blue Door and you get Harper and more of the same.

Vollman: Uh, that's great Morpheus, but I didn't ask about doors. I'm more worried about the knobs out front.

Ignatieff: Listen, behind the Blue Door there's Harper, with his jets, jails and, um, Justin Bieber.

Vollman: Wait a minute, didn't you vote in favour of all those things? How are your policies any different?

Ignatieff: That's a great question Vollman, let me answer that right after I get a glass of water. (Puts phone down).

(10 minutes go by)

Somebody: Hello?

Vollman: Hello, Mr. Ignatieff?

Somebody-who-sounds-like-Ignatieff: No, this is cleaning lady. Senor Ignatieff is gone.

Vollman: Is this you Mr. Ignatieff?

Somebody: No hablo ingles! (click)

#2: Stephen Harper of the Conservatives
Fortunately I got a hold of Stephen Harper in between periods of Hockey Night in Canada.

Vollman: Hi buddy, thanks for getting back to me.

Harper: Any time pal, how can I help you?
Vollman: Why are we having yet another election, why is it necessary?

Harper: Don't ask me, ask Michael Ignatieff and the others.

Vollman: I did, and they said that you forced the election by putting things in the budget that you knew they couldn't accept.

Harper: Like what?

Vollman: Like huge corporate tax cuts, big investments in military spendings, and opposition MPs having to eat nothing but Harvey's Poutine for a week.

Harper: Listen, Canadians need to choose whether they want a Conservative government, or their crazy coalition.

Vollman: What's wrong with a coalition? That's what they have in England, and it's the norm throughout Europe.

Harper: Yes, but certain kinds of coalitions are undemocractic. Like one composed of separatists, socialists, or guys with moustaches.

Vollman: I'll be honest with you, my conservative friends supported you in the past because they thought you'd conduct yourself ethically, and be more responsible fiscally. Now they can't think of a single reason to vote for you.

Harper: There are lots of reasons to vote Conservative. After all, there are reasons to do just about anything if you think creatively enough. Just like smoking, playing the lottery, or cheering for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

This is around the time my call waiting buzzed me. It was ...

#3. Jack Layton of the New Democratic Party

Layton: Hi Rob, Olivia told me you had a few questions for me?

Vollman: Yep, in fact I was just on the phone with Stephen Harper and ...

Layton: (interrupts) ooh I hate that guy. Doesn't care at all about health care.

Vollman: Despite having increased spending by about $30 billion while in power? How so?

Layton: Did you know that the hospitals are so underfunded that they were serving patients out of a Tim Horton's coffee shop?

Vollman: Yes, but wasn't that the way that hospital was designed, and before Stephen Harper took office? In fact, isn't health care a provincial jurisdiction, and the NDP was in power from 1991-2001 when these plans were made?

Layton: Yes, but what about ordinary Canadians that wanted some Timbits that morning? Harper doesn't care at all about Timbits! He has failed us on the Timbit Portfolio.

Vollman: Listen, I've been talking to all the leaders asking them why they want another election. What do you hope to accomplish anyway?

Layton: Well I don't know about the other leaders, but I'm running for Prime Minister!

Vollman: (pause) You're what?

Layton: I'm running for Prime Minister! And also for President of Star Fleet!

Vollman: That's nice Jack, but why should anybody vote for you?

Layton: Last time if you voted Liberal and you have concerns with their new leader, then you're not alone - vote NDP. If you voted for the Bloc Quebecois to stop a Tory majority, well now we need to block a Tory minority, and so you need to vote NDP.

Vollman: And what if you voted Conservative?

Layton: Then head to the Tim Horton's, I think they offer brain scans now.

4. Gilles Duceppe of the Bloc Quebecois

I eventually got a hold of Gilles Duceppe of the Bloc Quebecois. My French is a little rusty, but I'll translate our conversation into English for you.

Duceppe: Fill your rubber boots with grapefruits next Spring. (Ed: Sorry, I told you I was rusty).

Vollman: Mr. Duceppe, why do you want an election?

Duceppe: ??? What do you mean why? Because we're dicks! I'm sorry, have we been unclear about our intentions? Give us your money, and maybe we'll keep quiet about how much Canada sucks.

Vollman: I know, but I had to ask. Listen, did Stephen Harper really offer you a coalition in 2004, or are you maybe exaggerating a bit?

Duceppe: I'm not exaggerating at all. He called our office to discuss defeating the Liberals, we had a meeting with the NDP, and he added me as a friend on Facebook. What more do you need?

Vollman: That's about all I had. Do you have anything to add?

Duceppe: Antelopes make great sausages. (Ed: Sorry. Rusty!)

5. Elizabeth May of the Green Party
Her call was a bit of a surprise, because I never called her. I don't know how she got my number. Must have been Stephane Dion.

May: Hi Rob, I just wanted to let you know that everybody should vote Green this time.

Vollman: And why's that?

May: Last night we had Earth Hour, where everyone turns off their lights for an hour. It may just be a symbolic gesture that doesn't actually have any kind of impact, but we'd like voters to extend that, and have Earth Day on May 2nd when we vote.

Vollman: And vote Green?

May: Yes, which like Earth Hour is a symbolic gesture that won't actually accomplish anything.

Vollman: With so many of the other party platforms already including such strong policy, is it really wise to focus just on the environment?

May: No, we're also campaigning against the negative tone in Ottawa these days. We're tired of Harper and his Nazis and all his Holocaust-style attacks! Vote Green to send a message that you're tired of having the same old assbags and their immature partisan asshattery!

Vollman: I will certainly consider that, thanks!

There you have it folks, another election, and now you know why. I'll keep you posted throughout this campaign because when you go to Vollman, you always get what you deserve!

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Election Time in Canada

2011-03-23T16:20:00.008-06:00

Given that we are about to have another federal election in Canada, voters are no doubt scrambling to find a reliable source of information about what's going on. My dear friends, you have come to the right place.

Since many of my reader(s) aren't into politics and/or aren't Canadian, I assume no previous knowledge, and I'll carefully explain everything that's going on in terms you don't need to be an insider to understand. And as everybody knows, when you go to Vollman for information, you always get exactly what you deserve.

Q: What caused the election?

Excellent question! As we speak, the Liberals, who are the Official Opposition, are drafting a motion of non-confidence. By voting in favour, an MP (member of Parliament) is saying that they have lost confidence in the ability of the Conservatives, who are the current government, to run the country, which will trigger an eleciton.

The exact wording of the non-confidence motion is important. The Liberals want to highlight the government's corruption and arrogance, their secretive and highly partisan behaviour, their refusal to listen to anyone, and their general lack of ethical conduct.

Come to think of it, they could just use the exact same wording of the motion that was used to remove themselves back in 2006.

Q: Who are the parties and their leaders?

Ok there's the Conservative Party, and their leader is Stephen Harper. He's a greedy and compassionless moron who hates everyone for no reason. Oh wait I already said he was Conservative. His big challenge is running a campaign in light of both the recent retirement of most of his senior ministers, like Stockwell Day, Chuck Strahl and Jim Prentice, and the failure to retire of Jason Kenney and Rob Anders.

Next is the Liberal party, led by Michael Ignatieff. To connect with the common voter, he recently shared the challenges of growing up the son of a political refugee. It's really a sad story about a man forced to flee his country because of all those ungrateful peasants, coming to Canada with nothing but the clothes on his back, and huge bags of money. This is probably the only man who truly understands the needs of the average voter better than Hollywood celebrities.

One of my favourites is Jack Layton of the New Democratic Party. He's the son of Robert Layton, who was a former member of both the Liberal and Conservative parties. His primary motivations in politics is to help the disadvantaged, fight social inequality, and really piss off his old man. The big issue here is Layton's health, who is currently recovering from prostate cancer, hip surgery, and telling kids to get off his lawn.

The Bloc Quebecois is led by Gilles Duceppe. Their primary policy is the separation of Quebec from the rest of Canada, an idea that could get them a majority government if they would only run candidates outside their province.

Finally there's the Green Party, led by Elizabeth May. Obviously their primary policies involve the environment, on which May feels so strongly that she has compared her opponents to Nazis and the Holocaust. The Green Party got a jump start on the campaign, having recently released attack ads that attack, well, ironically, attack ads. Apparently Alanis Morrissette is their campaign director.

Q: Who's going to win?

Another excellent question. There are several possible results, in decreasing order of likelihood:

1. A Conservative Minority, like we have today. Since they would lack enough votes to pass anything unilaterally, they would need to negotiate the agreement of at least one of the opposition parties for every measure.
Result: No change, waste the cost of an election ($300 million).

2. A Liberal Minority. The arrogant, corrupt and heartless Conservatives are replaced by their ideological counterparts.
Result: No change, actually.

3. A Conservative Majority. It is unlikely that the opposition parties would trigger an election if they thought this was a strong possibility, but there is always the risk that a strong campaign could swing enough votes to give the Conservatives a strong mandate.
Result: Women lose the right to vote, the poor are left to die in the street, and gays are rounded up onto icebergs and sent adrift.

4. A Liberal-NDP Coalition Government. If the two main opposition parties have enough votes between them to form a majority, they may negotiate an arrangement where they share power and govern together.
Result: Conservative leader Stephen Harper resigns for his failure. And is disassembled and returned to the factory.

5. Something Meaningful to Canadians. For the sake of completeness I thought I'd include all outcomes, no matter how remote.
Result: Stephen Hawking writes another book.

Q: What's the key issue?

Ah yes, the key issue. Most elections ultimately boil down to a small collection of issues, and given the current economic turbulence, this time the campaign could focus primarily on the recent budget. After all, according to all opposition parties, the budget is the main reason they're defeating this current government.

Q: What's in the budget?

Nobody really knows because nobody actually read it. Mostly they just assumed it would be bad, because the Conservatives wrote it, and if you flip through it a bit you can see some of it was scribbled with crayon. It has about as much chance of being read by the Liberals as their own 1997 platform.

"Reading is for nerds." - NDP Leader Jack Layton, when asked why he didn't read the budget.

Well I actually read the budget, and it turns out that it's just a few pages that Jim Flaherty got from his accountant with a copy of Anne of Green Gables pasted in between to make it look thick. It's more something that can be waved around and used to make outrageous claims than to actually be read. Kind of like the Bible.

Q: What's wrong with the budget?

According to the NDP, there's not enough money being put in the hands of seniors, health care workers, working families, and ordinary Canadians. In fact, the NDP would be happy as long as money was kept out of the hands of those that, you know, actually earned it.

However, even those in favour of high government spending don't agree with all of the NDP's spending proposals. For example, the Saskatchewan Tsunami defense fund, which would cost taxpayers $100 million despite the province being over a thousand kilometres from a coast.

The NDP have several other problems with the budget, including:
- They believe that reducing corporate taxes are a huge waste of money, especially compared to subsidizing corporations.
- They want to lower taxes on fuels, and reduce our nation's fuel consumption. What's the problem, Harper?
- They want to cancel the purchase of the new jets.

Essentially the government bought some expensive jets without being honest about the costs and without releasing it to tender. The jets are currently very unpopular and bleeding money fast. Fortunately Gary Bettman wants to move them to Phoenix.

Q: What to the Liberals think of the budget?

It's hard to say, having voted in the past for nearly everything within. When asked about it, they mostly just cough quietly, say they have to go the bathroom, and never come back.

Bonus Q: Pssst ... Any big scandals yet?

The biggest scandal so far is that someone in Bev Oda's department apparently wrote the word "NOT!" in an official funding document. So far no one has been able to determine if it was Wayne or Garth.

That should be enough information to get you started, but by all means feel free to post your questions!

Want more Political Humour?

Ask Rob: Restless Co-Worker

2011-03-21T14:40:00.002-06:00

Q:
The guy who sits next to me at work is either hyper-active, unable to keep still and work quietly, or else he's yawning, stretching and barely staying awake. It's incredibly distracting. What should I do?

A:
That all depends on what's wrong with him. Find out if he's hyperglycemic by spiking his drinks with raw sugar. If he gets really, really hyper and then slips into a coma, that's probably it. It also provides you with a built-in solution.

Despite popular opinion, sugar doesn't make otherwise healthy people hyper, so if that's not it then he could have an attention disorder. To find out, ask him to read this page and if he doesn't get this far, then he probably either has ADD, ADHD, or good taste. If that's the case, throw some shiny coins down the hallway every time you need to concentrate on something without distraction.

Failing this, he's probably just someone who finds his job boring, and drinks too much coffee to stay awake. In this case help him find something interesting enough to keep his mind occupied. I suggest starting here.

Thanks for your question and remember everyone - when you Ask Rob for advice, you always get what you deserve!

Want more of Rob's advice?

Boycott Jimmy John's

2011-03-11T09:47:00.006-07:00

Jimmy John's is a delicious sandwich shop that can be found throughout the United States, but despite my fondness for their grub, I must use the considerable influence of this blog to ask for a boycott of Jimmy John's.

Why? Well just look at their policies.

What a blatantly anti-Vollman policy! Did you see it? Take a closer look.

I was born without pants, I'll die without pants, and I'll be gosh darned if I'm going to wear pants just to eat a delicious sandwich in public!

I call upon all my reader(s) to boycott Jimmy John's until they reverse this ridiculousness!

P.S. Thanks to all the people who has been sending me these pictures. I've got it now. Message received!
image credit

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My First Time

2011-03-08T09:37:00.001-07:00

They say kids mature faster these days, but I was only 13 when I had my first experience with a girl. Her name was Dana, and it took place during my Grade 8 math class.

I was pretty chubby back then, but I was desperate to get Dana's attention. So I sat next to her, lifted up my shirt, and pushed the sides of my belly together to make a butt. She giggled, and stuck her finger in my belly button. It was awesome!

It occurred to me later that night that when you make a butt out of your stomach that the bellybutton is actually the bumhole. Then I started to worry that I was gay because of how much I enjoyed it when Dana simulated sticking something in there. So I pretty much avoided her after that.

Anyway, that's the story of my first time. And don't tell me that it doesn't count, because it pretty much gets more and more pathetic from there.

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Facebook Status

2011-03-07T10:44:00.001-07:00

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90 Seconds With Rob

2011-03-02T09:06:00.002-07:00

If you're reading this blog, you probably fall into one of two categories:
A: You're someone that used to see me regularly - perhaps at work, school, or socially - and one of us has since moved on to other things, or
B: You never really knew me personally, and came across this blog either through someone else, or relatively randomly.

In either event, you don't really get the opportunity to spend time with me in person. Well I've got some good news for all of you - I have found way to address that.

"90 Seconds with Rob" is a brand new feature of mine where I take a short clips of myself doing what I do best, serving up interesting facts and unusual opinions with a generous portion of humour.

Unfortunately these videos will NOT be available on this blog. If you want to see these videos you need to either create a YouTube account and subscribe to my feed, or visit Rob and Alex comedy. I'm including this one sample to spread the word (and there are already 5 others on YouTube), but I'm not likely to mention them again here.

Enjoy!

Want to read more about Me?

Meeting Matsby

2011-03-01T11:25:00.004-07:00

Do you remember Karate Kid? It was a great movie. So was Karate Kid II, which contained enough 1980s Japanese stereotypes to make even someone like me happy. But Karate Kid III? That was a real stinker!

Seven years ago, after having watching it again, I googled the movie, and stumbled across a blog that made fun of sweeping the leg. Not only was that particular post funny, but his archives were a treasure trove of the funniest stuff I had ever read, covering everything from gay robots to Steve Guttenberg. Of course, if Steve Guttenberg turns out to be a gay robot then I guess it didn't cover much.

Naturally I'm talking about Mediocre Gatsby's blog. Unfortunately that particular blog, and a few that followed, get deleted by Matsby (as he is currently known) every couple of years when he starts a new one. Nevertheless, Matsby and I have had a great deal of fun over the years commenting on each other's blogs, trading quips on Facebook statuses, and even creating a couple of time travel podcasts together.

Despite being blessed with some truly hilarious friends, I can say without reservation that Matsby is the most comedically gifted person I've ever met. Needless to say, when my brother and I were recently driving through his hometown, I just had to arrange to stop for a few minutes and meet the comic genius face-to-face.

"What's so special about this guy?" my brother asked as we pulled into Matsby's driveway. "He's the funniest guy I've ever known," came my reply. My brother raised an eyebrow, and really wasn't sure what to expect.

Unfortunately Matsby really didn't have either the time nor opportunity to entertain my brother. We only had half an hour, so we staged a few funny photos - photos that might only make sense to those already familiar with our on-line personas.

Source

Despite my high expectations, meeting Matsby was no let-down at all. He was as warm and kind as I expected him to be, and he had the mischievous glint and smirk that, based on his work, one would expect. I still remember him giving me the tour of his home, gesturing towards his treadmill and casually saying "oh the hours I've spent on that thing," while he subtly rubbed his bulging belly.

My brother enjoyed meeting Matsby too. Having known me my entire life, and having concluded long ago that my perspective on life was entirely unique, it was quite a surprise to meet someone like Matsby. And for Matsby it was a rare opportunity to finally hear someone else's perspectives on my stories.

Matsby: So you're his brother?
My Brother: Yes.
Matsby: Are his stories true? The things he says and does?
My Brother: Pretty much.
Matsby: So is everyone else in your family ... um ... you know, like ... Rob?
My Brother: No, it's just him.
Matsby: Do you know what I mean? The way he looks at things, the way he ...
My Brother: Yes, I know exactly what you mean. And it's just him.
Matsby: Well where did he get his ... umm ... the way he ...
My Brother: We have no idea.

Meeting his wife and kids was another highlight of the trip. I thrilled his son with a pack of baseball cards, including pitchers but unfortunately no belly-itchers (Matsby's favourite position). Matsby's daughter was absolutely adorable, and enthusiastically participated in all our hijinx. His baby daughter was a little shy at first, but provided yet another highlight as I was leaving, when she walked up to me - completely unprompted - with arms outstretched for a goodbye embrace.

Those who have been following this blog for a while, and are familiar with Matsby's work will probably understand what a thrill it was to meet him, even if he is just an "average joe" to everyone else in the world (including himself). To put it simply, very few people get my humour at all, and I rarely see it coming from others. To meet someone who gets it completely, and developed it himself to an even greater degree makes me feel a lot better about who I am.

To Matsby: Thank you for your kind hospitality and all the free entertainment over the years. I hope our paths cross again!

Want to see some of my assorted humour?

Fat Cat

2011-02-27T15:34:00.003-07:00

I love my cats, but the problem is that one of my cats is very fat. Well, I wouldn't call it a problem because she certainly doesn't see it that way.

I've tried telling her that she's fat, but hey - YOU try to tell her she's fat. She takes it as a compliment! She rolls on her back, and gets me to rub her huge belly. It's almost as if her response is "you god darn right I'm fat! Whoo!"

As long as she's happy I suppose I should just let her be. And I should also be grateful that humans don't react the same way.

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Libyan Protests

2011-02-26T16:12:00.003-07:00

I was in Atlanta recently and saw a whole bunch of people gathered together with lots of signs and chanting. I figured the chances that they were protesting my presence was relatively slim, so I got a little closer to find out what was going on. Within minutes one of the protesters approached me with a handout.

For some strange but predictable reason, the devil got into me and I decided to be an ass.

Rob: So what's this for?
Protester: Libya
Rob: Is that somewhere in the Midwest?
Protester: No, it's in the Middle East.
Rob: Oh this is Iraq!
Protester: No it's Libya.
Rob: Where in Iraq is that?
Protester: No this isn't Iraq at all.
Rob: Oh this is Afghanistan.
Protester: No this is in Libya. Next to Egypt.
Rob: Egypt?
Protester: Yes, didn't you hear that they just overthrew their dictatorship?
Rob: Do you mean King Tut?
Protester: No it was Mubarrak
Rob: You're trying to get rid of Mubarack Obama?
Protester: No we're trying to get rid of Mohammar Ghadafy
Rob: Why are you trying to get rid of him?
Protester: He's stealing money from his people, and abusing his power.
Rob: Really? Did Bugs Bunny put you up to this?

This is pretty much when she lost interest in me - I was either an idiot or an ass. Or both. When another protester came by to talk to me, I decided to be more supportive.

Rob: I really support what you're doing here.
Protester: Thanks!
Rob: After all, this is really the only way to get rid of a Libyan dictator.
Protester: Uhh ... yeah thanks.
Rob: Do you have enough signs? Are you getting enough car honks?
Protester: Um yeah. (Walks away)
Rob: Ahh... this is why the world loves America!

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Passwords

2011-02-17T14:07:00.007-07:00

Ten years ago I first started using part of an inspirational quote as my password. Since the first thing I do in the morning at work is log in, I figured that a brief reminder of a motivational message was the ideal way to start my day.

That changed little more than a year later. Corporate policy made us change our password every 30 days, and I was having trouble of thinking of new quotes. One day, in frustration, I used a rude phrase instead.

Thankfully this new approach of mine has tapped into an inexhaustible supply. I must have changed my password up to a hundred times since then, and I've never once been at a loss.

The associated thoughts may not be as good a way to start a day, but it is a more accurate one.

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What's More Impressive

2011-02-15T18:40:00.003-07:00

Which of the following accomplishments do you consider the most impressive?

1. My 22-0 single-inning victory in Baseball Simulator 1.000?

2. My come-from-behind 8-run 9th inning victory in Baseball Stars?

3. The fact that I've gotten a girl to actually go out with me at some point in my life?

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Sports fans

2011-02-14T09:52:00.003-07:00

It's my third season writing freelance for ESPN (among other sites), and my favourite part is reading people's comments.

Here are the sorts of things that people who have actually paid to become members and read my work have written:

"Your article makes absolutely no sense whatsoever!"

I like the way he includes the word "absolutely." He didn't even give me credit for making more sense than a monkey on a typewriter.

"Vollman, you just lost what little credibility you had previously possessed."

At least this guy gave me credit for acually having had some credibility in the first place. Probably one of the kindest comments.

"What a joke this article is."

I find it amazing how many of the comments mirror what the ladies say about me.

"It really galls me that guys like Vollman get paid for garbage like that."

If he knew how little we get paid it might take the edge off all that gall.

"This is nothing more than convaluted logic.....ESPN how in the world do you allow such ridiculous crap? And you actually paid this moron????? Unbelievable!!!!!"

This comment probably wouldn't have bothered me if it didn't have all that extra punctuation. I think the fifth exclamation mark really helps make the point. I can't argue with five question marks.

"this article was a waste of time"

What does that make his comment?

"this article is a joke!"

It's interesting how my actual attempts at comedy don't get as much recognition as such as my attempts at serious sports analysis.

"This is the stupidest thing I've ever read."

Really? The stupidest thing he's ever read? Even if we assume he's young and hasn't read very much, he hasn't ever been exposed to anything stupider than an article on ESPN. Quite frankly, that's amazing! Not a billboard, or a Chinese menu, or even a Youtube comment - nothing. That's impressive!

Of course, now that he's read his own comment, there's at least one thing stupider than my article, but for one fleeting moment at least my article was the stupidest.

"You can make stats say anything. totally useless...."

I suppose this should bother me more than it does, but we all know that 90% of these comments are written by mouth-breathing virgins.

Who needs a Valentine when I have my fans? Well that's probably enough fun for now. I wish my blog got comments as wonderful as these, but alas, not since Bill stopped reading.

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Explaining Hockey

2011-01-31T09:09:00.002-07:00

Hockey is headline news in Canada, and often non-hockey fans will hear something they don't understand, and ask me to explain it to them. Some things are hard to explain, whereas some things are quite easy.

For example, recently the last-place New York Islanders claimed goalie Evgeni Nabokov off waivers, but he refused to play for them. This is one of the easy ones, because I can just use my love life.

See, I'm the New York Islanders, and all the women of the world are Evgeni Nabokov. When I ask them out on a date, that's like claiming them on waivers, and Nabokov responds exactly like the ladies. Except I don't think he threw up in his mouth.

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Good News, Bad News

2011-01-24T15:30:00.007-07:00

Question: I've got to break some really bad news to a friend. Any advice?

Answer: Whenever my parents had bad news for me while I was growing up, they would usually try to start with some good news first.

For example, they might say "Robert, we can have pizza for dinner tonight! Unfortunately, your hockey game was cancelled."

It softened the blow. Unfortunately my parents would try to match the bad news with equally good news, so whenever they had really good news, I knew something bad would happen. For example, I always knew it was really bad when they started with "Robert, your father and I love you very much."

I think my mom got that from her Uncle Jack, who once told me the story of a friend who was in the hospital waiting to hear if his legs needed to be amputated. My Great Uncle Jack started off with the good news: the guy across the hall wanted to buy his slippers.

Of course, losing your legs is awfully bad news. If Jack wanted to match it, he'd have had to keep going. Too bad I was around to give him some suggestions.

- Do you want a guaranteed way to lose a few pounds without diet or exercise?
- You know how you're always complaining about not enough leg room on the plane?
- Don't you hate it when your foot falls asleep?
- Isn't it crazy how expensive shoes are these days?

So whatever happened to my Great Uncle Jack? Well the good news for my Great Uncle Jack is that he doesn't have to pay any more taxes.

Want more advice?

Dinner Party Conversation

2011-01-24T15:15:00.002-07:00

I was at a dinner party recently, and after we ate I noticed two people having what appeared to be a rather interesting conversation, so I decided to wander over and join in.

Carl: That's why I say moderation is the key.

Dave: For sure. Moderation in all things.

Rob (that's me): Isn't that an oxymoron?

Dave: What?

Rob: Well you said moderation in all things, which isn't very moderate, so technically you're not being moderate in all things.

Dave: You know what I mean.

Rob: I do, I just think you should enjoy moderation in moderation.

Dave: Haha, ok I guess so.

Carl: Haha, yep! Challenge everything, that's what I say!

Dave: I totally agree.

Rob: No you don't.

Dave: What?

Rob: Well if you agreed with challenging everything, well you'd challenge that, too.

Carl: He's got you there, Dave!

Rob: And I guess if you challenged that, that would mean you don't agree with challenging everything. Another oxymoron!

Carl: Haha.

Dave: Who invited you?

Rob: Why do people keep asking me that?

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Two Sides to Every Story

2011-01-24T12:55:00.004-07:00

Bill Gates and Warren Buffett recently pledged half their considerable wealth to charity, and called on other millionaires to do the same.

Sounds like a pretty reasonable request. After all, how could anyone refuse such a request, on any grounds other than greed and selfishness?

Fortunately, Carlos Slim, the world's wealthiest man, has the answer. There are many ways to fight poverty, let's see what happens when Carlos Slim donates his money.

1. Less government revenue, due to tax deductions for charitable contributions.
- Who would you rather decide who gets help and who doesn't, the government or millionaires?
- Rather than the money going where it is needed most, it goes wherever the individual contributor feels is best.
- Who is likely to have the best information about who is in the most urgent need of assistance?

2. Fewer jobs, due to having less money to invest in growth
- Would someone living in poverty prefer financial assistance, or a means of providing for themselves?
- Is there anyone who could spend a dollar in a way that would create more growth than a business giant?

3. Responsibility to solve problems isn't shared
- Should we address the root causes of poverty, or expect the wealthy to bail us out?

I'm not saying I agree with Carlos Slim, I'm just saying that there are two sides to every issue, including even this. To be honest, I deeply admire the incredible generosity embodied by Gates and Buffett. Furthermore, charities do a lot more good for society than just fighting poverty - for instance building better communities, improving quality of living, curing diseases, etc. I'm just saying that it's quite reasonable for someone to invest their hard-earned money in others ways, and they've certainly earned the right to make that decision for themselves.

Next time you're absolutely positive that you're right, and that you're justified in forcing your opinion on others, please at least consider the possibility that very reasonable people could have persuasive reasons to disagree.

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No Pants Day

2011-01-19T08:38:00.004-07:00

Fair warning: the first Friday in May is No Pants Day.

Hey: I don't make the rules, everybody knows that. If you don't believe me, check out their website.

If you've read my blog in the past, or if you're my brother, you know I don't like pants. People sometimes ask me what my problem is with pants. Fundamentally, I agree with the sentiment expressed at their site:

Is this a joke?
In the same way that all of life is a joke, yes

At the very least, you’ll take your drab, wretched life a little less seriously, at least for one day.

People take life too seriously, and not just the things that are meant to be taken that way. Most of life is meant to be enjoyed in a light-hearted fashion, and participating in "No Pants Day" could be a great way to do that.

For those new to this blog, here's a little history.

Pants Optional

Back at my last job when the boss was out he'd often leave me running the ship. To prove how seriously I took this responsibility I send around email to make it known that any day I was in charge was a "pants optional" day. I even tried to get "casual Friday" officially replaced by "Pants Optional Friday." Unfortunately every day became "Pants Mandatory" day and my attempts for "Pants Optional Friday" soon became "Go See HR Friday." Or, as I came to call it, "Friday."

First Day on the Job

I had a dream last night where I showed up for my first day at a new job and had forgotten my pants. I tried to find a nearby clothing store, but none of them were open yet. I wound up calling my mother to bring me a pair. I remember being stricken by just how remarkably unsurprised she was that I had forgotten my pants.

In any event, I was so shaken up the next morning that I wrote **PANTS** on my calendar. I might even pack and extra pair in my workbag for the next little while, just in case.

Employee Code of Conduct

"... pants are mandatory on all work days."
- Under 4.2 "Dress Code" (Clarification, Casual Fridays).

Personally I still think this is a load of crap - what's casual about wearing pants???

Thanks to a new friend of mine who brought this new holiday to my attention.

Want more holiday-related humour?

Censorship

2011-01-14T11:45:00.004-07:00

According to today's news, the Dire Straits song "Money for Nothing" has been banned in Canada due to its lyrics (for reasons you can Google). That got me thinking about my own thoughts on censorship, especially after I read what my friend Chuck had to say about it.

First of all, nothing makes me want to do something more than someone telling me that I can't. When I was a kid I was told that I couldn't read books like Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice (anti-semitism), or American classics like Grapes of Wrath and Of Mice and Men (what did they have against John Steinbeck?).

While I may be an avid reader today, I certainly wasn't as a child. Pretty much the only ways to get me to read anything was either to include Mr. T as a primary character, or to ban it. I still can't believe I slogged through a long, boring book on the Great Depression just because a woman breast feeds a starving old man at the end.

It didn't end at books, there were also certain tv shows and movies that my mother wouldn't allow me to see. For instance, she told me I couldn't watch Andrew Dice Clay in Ford Fairlane because it was misogynist. I didn't even know what misogynist meant, but I knew I had to go see it.

So my friend Cal and I told our parents we were going to go see Mel Gibson and Goldie Hawn in "Bird on a Wire" while we secretly snuck into Ford Fairlane instead. And what a boring waste of time that was! There were no massages at all! But it could have been worse - we could have really seen Bird on a Wire.

Long story short, banning things make them more exciting. Whether it's a song, a book, a movie or even an idea, making it taboo is the best way to make it more appealing. Well, other than adding Mr. T, of course.

That's about all I have to say on the subject, but you'll doubtlessly enjoy the following from my friend Chuck, as his wisdom is surpassed only by his unmatched ability to rant:

I remember George Carlin summarizing it perfectly: it's not the slur we should be worried about, it's the bigoted asshole on the business end of it that should concern us.

Words are just tools, people, and language is supposed to convey emotion and feeling. It's what makes a word worth more than a grunt. If someone wants to use an offensive term, but is otherwise stymied by legislated politesse, they will find an otherwise sedate term and use it offensively by adding a sarcastic bent. Doesn't anyone else but me remember the fact that "idiot", "moron" and "retard" used to be clinical terms? They used to be, until enough people used them in a derisive fashion that the "Politically Correct Police" moved on to their next word.. what are we at, now? "Differently abled", I think?

Another thing we're missing here is that not every use of a word deemed "offensive" is used in an offensive manner. The first black President in the USA's history admits, for the record, to having rap artists on his iPod playlist who use the word (Ed: you know which word) about 300 times in a five minute rap song, while living in the same Washington, D.C. that in my adult lifetime saw the spur-of-the-moment firing of a government aide who used the word "niggardly" (which means 'cheap', which has no racial overtones at all) to describe an upcoming budget. And when you say an African-American artist can use a word but a "minor" piece of Caucasian culture like Mark Twain's "Tom Sawyer", or Gilbert & Sullivan's "The Mikado" (or "Princess Ida") cannot, or hell, even Queen's "March of the Black Queen" cannot -- and what the hell did Freddy Mercury ever contribute to music compared to Generic Rap Star Freshy Q? -- then you are enforcing a racial hierarchy that would not otherwise exist, the very sort of racism that you purport to be against with your sententious morality!

I cannot stress this enough. I want as many tools in the toolbox of language as possible. I do NOT want to be told that when I use a certain word, that an insult MUST be my intent, because I have pale skin and a fair complexion.

I WANT my Chinese friends to be able to say "Oh, you're not English, you're French? I'm sorry, all you 'gwai lo's look the same", and I WANT to be able to reply "oh, you Chinamen are such bigots", because that is our collective way of satirizing the ignorant, bigoted attitudes of others we may have known in our lives.

I don't want your primitive, ill-conceived and poorly-implemented black-and-white system to override our ability to weep over the world we live in, where I can laugh at statements like "affirmative action is designed to screw over white students" (when in fact for every one Caucasian in the USA that loses a university enrollment due to affirmative action, four Asians lose theirs), and my Chinese friends can laugh at the idea that Ted Turner's compliment "The Chinese are very smart. Just think: have you ever met a dumb Chinaman?" could EVER be taken as any sort of insult.

We are adults. We are smart enough to know that words are just tools. And we are smart enough to look at what Ted Turner said and realize that, even if he's so old fashioned that he's using a tool for the wrong job, it doesn't mean he hates Asians for saying "the Chinese are very smart" just because he followed it up with the literary equivalent of bashing in a nail with a crowbar.

Aren't we adults? Aren't we capable of determining of determining whether a word is an insult or not by context?

I can't think of anyone on my friends list who would scream cries of "you used a racial slur!" if I say that you're speaking gobbledy-gook, or that you have a chink in your armor, or that I'm just "calling a spade a spade", or that I'm "just monkeying around with some code". Because your intelligence, and your knowledge of English metaphors, would make it clear what my intentions are.

I think about Howard Cosell being criticized for referring to Alvin Garrett as "that little monkey" in 1983, as in the phrase "that little monkey gets around, doesn't he?".

Forget the fact that Alvin Garrett stated for the record that he never felt it was a slur, forget the fact that Cosell used the euphemism "little monkey" to describe his own grandson as well as diminutive players of all ethnicities (as he was on record for doing for Caucasian Mike Adamle 11 years ago), forget the fact that his best friend in the sporting world was a Black Muslim, no, clearly, Cosell was a bigot and should be forced to apologize.

To Cosell's credit, he never apologized for something he never did, and lest you think Cosell was a stubborn thorn incapable of being reticent for something he felt he was in error for, this was the first man who publicly apologized on-air for referring to Ali as "Cassius Clay", the name which Ali publicly rejected yet other sportscasters (and Ernie Terrell!) tragically insisted on using long after the fact. In other words, if Cosell felt he was wrong, he would have apologized, yet his belief -- and the record -- were apparently not enough for those who called for his head in the 80s.

And that is why I would never censor any slur or insult from the English language, or any other language, and it's really a two-fold reason:

A) because I want bigots to be able to make their intentions clear by using such words, and

B) because I want to make my intentions clear by not using such words.
You have to give me the power to do wrong before you can give me the credit for doing right.

And, if I walk out my front door tomorrow to see Elton John fellating the zombie corpse of Liberace on my front porch whilst wearing one of Carmen Miranda's banana hats as Richard Simmons stared on in voyeuristic glory from the driveway, and you hear me say "well, THAT'S certainly gay", I can only hope that you'll give me more credit than you'll give the teenage dirtbag who is online describing everything negative from airline checked-bag fees to his math homework as being "gay".
I'd hope that you'd see the difference between "indicative of the homosexual lifestyle" and "(generic blank pejorative)".

Because I'd hope that everyone on my friends list was capable of contextual analysis, the very kind that renders censorship moot. The very kind that doesn't require complex laws to mandate what I hope we all share:
Basic human decency.

Irrespective of gender, ethnicity, religious beliefs, sexual orientation, sexual proclivity, age, hair color, or anything else under the sun, basic human decency holds eternal sway.

Well, eternal except in Canada, where due to some mystic regulation, (Ed: one word) is presently a slur but (Ed: a similar word) is not.

But I'm working on that, though I'm only one fat-ass oppressive chauvinistic cracker breeder ;)- Chuck Mousseau, January 2011

Note: Anything in brackets starting with Ed: was actually an edit on my part. And no, the irony of censoring this rant is not lost on me. I didn't find his usage offensive, I just don't want people's WebSense filters blocking this site.

Want to read more of my political opinions?

It's Cold

2011-01-13T08:37:00.002-07:00

For those of you in milder climates, let me explain our routine to stay warm in the middle of Winter.

1. Put on long underwear
2. And thermal socks (overtop our regular socks)
3. Put on our pants
4. Put on an old pair of bigger pants overtop
5. Wear a sweater or fleece
6. Put on a serious jacket that comes from either NASA or the Michelin man
7. Time for the scarf
8. Wear our toque (or "a beanie" if you're English). Fluffy ball on top is optional
9. Lift up our jacket hood on top of the toque.
10. Gloves!
11. Light our pants on fire
12. Get to work before the fire goes out and our pants are ashes.

It's crazy, but it works. Did you ever see the movie "Day After Tomorrow" where there's a freak storm and the world freezes? It's set in New York, and you see people frantically trying to escape south. Well if the movie were set in Canada, it wouldn't be nearly as exciting, because we'd still be heading into work and living our normal lives. The movie would feature such boring dialogue as the following:

"Honey it's -120 out today, let the car warm up for a few minutes."

or

"Son, I don't care if you'll look like a dork, wear your toque and gloves today! Helicopters are freezing in mid-air, I don't want you catching a cold."

That's actually not a joke - today on the way to work I saw some kids at the bus stop not wearing toques or gloves. I couldn't believe that they'd rather look cool than be warm. I wonder how cool they'll look when their ears fall off.

Want to see more assorted humour?

Why I'm Not Invited to the Office Christmas Party

2011-01-12T15:03:00.001-07:00

Me: When I was 13 I had this friend who had a crossbow.

Colleague: A crossbow?

Me: Yeah, his parents were really cool. He had real wooden bolts, and he also had some fake rubber ones that were supposedly safer. One day I accidentally took one of those suckers right in the neck.

Colleague: Ouch!

Me: You wouldn't believe how much it hurt. My eyes watered and I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. It really sucked.

Colleague: Wow - so why are you bringing this up?

Me: Because I'd rather take a rubber bolt to my neck than have to work with your team.

Colleague: Wh-what?

Me: Come on, I'm just joking. Actually, yours is my second favourite team in the company.

Colleague: Oh yeah? Who's your favourite?

Me: Everyone else is tied.

Want more stories of my being a jerk at work?

New Year's Resolutions

2011-01-05T14:31:00.004-07:00

Given the flack I received for my allegedly self-serving New Year's Resolutions in the past, and given that the best I could come up with this year was to climb Mount Seleya, this year I decided to let other people pick them.

See if you can guess the origins of each suggestion. For instance, there's at least one from my neighbour, my work colleagues, a girl I dated, and of course my Mom.

1. Stop farting on people's phones
2. Try to go an entire year without making a fart joke (too late)
3. Quit teaching our kids to give Vulcan neck pinches
4. Cut down on jokes about Uranus
5. Let other people talk occasionally
6. Try to suck less
7. Random Acts of Kindness? Focus more on the "Kindness" part than the "Random"
8. Get more exercise. AND more exorcise.
9. Stop throwing bags of used kitty litter on my lawn
10. And for Pete's sake, put on some pants once in a while

Want more jokes related to Holidays?

Top Ten Gift Ideas

2010-12-28T15:25:00.002-07:00

I'm told that I'm someone for whom it's notoriously difficult to shop. I'll admit that my general aversion to stuff makes it tough to get me something that I'll like, so I thought I'd help by listing some of my favourite things, and great gifts I've received for each one.

1. Comedy!
Since I love live comedy, a good gift would be tickets to a show. Recordings of great performances to listen to while driving or on public transit would be great. To a lesser extent, DVDs or videos, too.

2. Books!
I do a fair deal of reading, and while my tastes are diverse, the safest choices would be comedy or history. Take your best shot and give me a gift receipt, that's even better than a gift card because you might save me a trip.

3. Video Games!
My collection is mostly fighting games on my PlayStation, and strategy games on the PC. If you're not sure what I already have, check the bargain bin - if a game's not yet there, then I don't have it.

4. War Games!
Check out my profile on boardgamegeek.com to see what kinds of games I like, what I'm missing, and even what's on my wish list. Failing that, a highly-rated new release, or the latest issue of Strategy and Tactics or World at War are almost always a safe bet.

5. Travel!
A credit towards a flight or hotel would be a great idea, especially for a wargaming convention, or a comedy convention (like Just for Laughs or to Las Vegas).

6. Sports!
I play many sports, and though hockey's my main passion, I'll admit it's hard to figure out what I'm currently playing, what I'd like, or what I need. A card for skate sharpening is always pretty safe though.

7. Writing!
My biggest hobby is writing, whether it's IT-related, for hockey, or comedy. I guess it's tough to find something writing-related that isn't lame (e.g. thesaurus), but maybe something like a self-publishing package would work.

8. Gadgets!
One of the few things I buy myself are gadgets, like a netbook, a PSP, an iTouch, a Blackberry, a good video card, and so on. Some software or an accessory for one of them might be a good way to go.

9. Food!
Did you know that they have gift certificates for Slurpees? I probably get up to 50/year. Pizza's another favourite of mine, so some coupons or pizza-making gadgets or ingredients would be very well-received.

10. Friends/Family!
The best for last. Albums, videos and various momentos to remember time spent with loved ones is a guaranteed winner. Better yet, any gift that can lead to more memories with friends and family.

That's about all I can think of right now, but just remember: when in doubt, get something Star Trek themed.

Want to know more about me?

Atheists: Here We Go Again

2010-12-07T13:07:00.008-07:00

Just like last year, atheist groups are putting up bus ads. There's obviously no problem with that, but why do the ads always have to be disrespectful? Why can't the ads simply promote atheism, without ridiculing those of other faiths?

I've got no problem with atheism. Believing in zero Gods is just as legitimate as believing in one, or many. Most of my friends are atheists, but I've never heard any of them ridiculing those of other faiths (ok, maybe scientologists), so why must these freaks do so?

Think about it: The world's other major religions advertise their philosophy far more regularly - in some cases they even come to your door - and yet they can somehow promote their beliefs without ridiculing others. So why can't these atheist groups?

Extraordinary Claims Require Extraordinary Evidence
Allah Bigfoot UFOs Homeopathy Zeus Psychics Christ

An atheist advertisement with which both a Muslim and a Christian would agree wholeheartedly. They're correct - extraordinary claims DO require extraordinary evidence. Muslims and Christians simply believe that we have it - but this ad suggests that it is lacking. That's fine! That's legitimate! But look at what they're really saying:

There is as much evidence of Bigfoot's existence as God's.

Ridiculous! Is there anything you can think of whose accuracy has been examined my more people, in more societies, over a longer period of time, and in more detail, than the existence of God? Any scientific theory, or mathematical construct, or philosophical viewpoint - anything at all - that has been subject to the same amount of study as monotheism? I certainly don't think so - and certainly not Bigfoot!

Besides, isn't the claim that everything is just a random fluke just as extraordinary, and require just as much evidence?

Now don't get me wrong - I'm not saying there isn't! I know that many people, most recently Stephen Hawking, have very persuasively put forward evidence to describe where we come from and how we came to be, and without requiring the existence of any form of higher life. I might also add that many of them did so in a fashion far more respectful than these bus ads. And this evidence has proven sufficient to some of the most intelligent people I've known.

But if there allegedly isn't enough evidence of one theory, is there seriously enough evidence of the others? Is it truly accurate to say that we have enough evidence that we're a temporary re-ordering of atoms resulting from random chance, but not enough that there are one or more Supreme Beings?

The truth is that all beliefs require a great deal of faith, but yet we don't see those of other faiths taking out advertisements mocking atheism (well, at least not as frequently).

The sad part is that the other communities will respond with bus ads of their own, taking money away from the charitable work on which they'd have otherwise spent it. I know that controversy gets publicity, but I really wish the atheists would find a way to promote their beliefs in a way that wasn't disrespectful to others.

... and that made a lick of sense ...

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My Greatest Achievement for 2010

2010-12-07T10:29:00.001-07:00

Did you ever have a fart so nasty that your pet left the room?

It happened to me a few months ago. I was sitting on the couch watching TV with my cat Lilly beside me, and something slipped out that was so noxious that Lilly hopped off the couch and left the room.

I was stunned at first - this is a creature that smells my other cat Brutus' bum on a voluntary (and needlessly frequent) basis. I've polluted the couch's vicinity on countless occasions without so much as a blink from her, and now this one olfactory misdemeanour has her scurrying for clean air.

After the shock wore off, I naturally burst into laughter. I swear just before she left she turned and gave me a look that said "that was not right." I don't know what I ate, but it was obviously not of this Earth. It was like a zombie fart or something. God did not create whatever was in that emission - that fart is surely not getting into Heaven, it is doomed to wander the planet forever.

Since then I've been trying to re-create the event, but without success. I've had donairs, and McDonald's, and all sorts of foods that normally ruin my otherwise healthy insides, but I've been yet to re-curl Lilly's whiskers.

Looking back, 2010 was truly a year of achievement - I had a book published, got a great new job, opened my hockey season with back-to-back hat tricks - but somehow all of that pales in comparison to the truly unique feat of getting my cat to leave the room with nothing more than a fart.

To those that don't have cats, it may not sound like much, but let me explain a little bit about cats. Whenever I go to the bathroom with a newspaper, they're quick to follow. If I close the bathroom door, they scratch and whine to be let in. One of their favourite times to be with me is when I'm dropping a deuce. That's not normal behaviour!

Imagine if humans did that. Imagine if the next time you took a bio break, you heard a tap at the door, and your spouse, parent or child asked to come in? Imagine taking a bowel movement with your brother or sister sitting on the edge of the tub next to you. I don't even like it when my buddy Csaba calls me on the phone while squeezing one out!

Needless to say, producing something so malodourous that even a creature such as this must excuse themselves - and with much indignation - is sure far more impressive a feat than being published.

Just ask J. K. Rowling, I'm sure she'll back me up on this.

Want more inappropriate humour?

Leslie Nielson

2010-11-29T11:52:00.005-07:00

Mom: Leslie Nielson passed away.
Robert: Surely you can't be serious.
Mom: (Sigh) I'm not doing this.
Robert: Oh come on Mom!
Mom: No!
Robert: Just say it! Surely you can't be serious. Come on, say it! Say it!
Mom: (Sigh)
Robert: Surely you can't be serious!
Mom: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley
Robert: YYAAAYYYYYY!!!

Want more Movie-related comedy?

Rob and Alex Comedy

2010-11-18T14:16:00.002-07:00

Did you spot the new link? Rob and Alex Comedy is a new project I'm launching with my good friend Alex.

We've got some great ideas for the future development of this site. It will be an interactive web site where comedy fans can join us in sharing and reviewing all sorts of comedic performances.

Go ahead and check it out, we've already made one video, and have some preliminary content for you to enjoy. Add it to your links and stay tuned, because we have a lot more we'll be rolling out over the next year.

Before They Were Stars, Part 2

2010-11-16T14:18:00.004-07:00

It's not easy succeeding your first time out. Sometimes you just have to get out there and try your best, knowing that you can always change if things aren't working.

Those who have followed pro wrestling long enough know that was the case with "Nature Boy" Ric Flair and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, whose earliest attempts at wrestling weren't very promising. (Those who haven't can click here).

You see, you can't be afraid to try new things, because most people don't even remember the failures that preceded big successes. Here are just two more examples.

Good News Brown

Early in his career, his friendly demeanour and good sportsmanship had people looking forward to meeting him in the ring.

Wrestler #1: Who are you scheduled to wrestle next?
Wrestler #2: Brown.
Wrestler #1: Good News!

Originally known as one of the sport's true gentlemen, he would shake competitor's hands, hold the ropes to help them in the ring, and humbly congratulate opponents after a loss.

The Penultimate Warrior

Those more familiar with his future iteration wouldn't even recognise the Warrior's humble beginnings. After a calm and insightful interview, he would casually stroll to the ring while his soothing operatic music would play over the speakers.

His matches were often long affairs that involved a great deal of sophisticated Greco-Roman mat wrestling techniques whose appeal was probably highest among the older, more traditional fans.

Next week: Randy "Metro Man" Savage

Want more on pro wrestling?

Entertaining Yourself on Flights

2010-11-14T21:32:00.005-07:00

Loaded up your ipod with all your favourite movies only to forget it at home? No problem! There are hundreds of ways to entertain yourself on a flight, here are just a few.

1. Take a few moments to visualize how each of your loved ones would react if you grew a moustache.

2. Play imaginary pinball, but make very real noises.

3. Find 10 things within sight that you wouldn't lick for 50 dollars.

4. Draw pictures on the faces in the free in-flight magazine. Not just moustaches and glasses, get creative!

5. Pretend to get airsick, as gradually as possible.

6. Discretely tie your shoes together, then pretend to take a short nap, wake up, and blame the person next to you. Call the stewardess. Alternatively, you can dunk your hand in warm water, fake a short nap and ... actually just stick with the shoe-tying thing.

7. Ask "are we there yet?" to every passenger that walks by.

8. Make up swear words as new combinations of existing ones, and think of at least one person you know that it suits.

9. Break up with your watch. Don't worry, you can make up with it again later in the flight.

10. When was the last time you really picked your nose? I mean really dug deep and mine out all the gold?

Bonus: Play "Connect the Dots" with your arm freckles.

Warning: Some of these suggestions might slightly annoy some of your fellow passengers that might have the crazy idea of enjoying the flight in peace.

Want more assorted humour?

Assfish

2010-10-27T12:26:00.002-06:00

You always get exactly what you deserve when you ask me for advice. Even though we've already covered this in detail, let's look at one more case in point.

Years ago I worked at a company that named all of their servers after different types of fish. It's not unusual to have a naming scheme like this for the dozens of servers that would exist even at a small company like this one.

Since our small shop was staffed mostly with Chinese people new to both this country and the language, they quickly ran out of fish names, so they came to me for advice.

Colleague: "Big Robert," - that's what they called me. Either that or Bad Guy - "what is name of a fish?"
Me: "For the new server?"
Colleague: "Yes."
Me: "Have you used Assfish?"
Colleague: "Assfish? What's that?"
Me: "A very popular fish, it's in all the lakes and rivers in BC."
Colleague: "How you spell that?"
Me: "A - s - s - fish."
Colleague: "Assfish? Like your bottom?"
Me: "Oh yeah I guess it's spelled that way - I never noticed that before. Strange, eh?"
Colleague: "Ok, thank you Big Robert."
Me: "Any time. My pleasure."

So off he went to build the new Assfish server, and it was only a few days later when I overheard a conversation between him and our boss, presumably a short time after he had sent a link to the new server.

Boss: "Where did you get the name for this server?"
Colleague: "I ask Robert. He say Assfish."
Boss: "Why in the world would you ask Robert?"

My colleague spent the better part of the afternoon re-building the server. See, even back then people knew that when you ask me for advice, you always get exactly what you deserve.

Want more stories about Work?

My New Job

2010-10-20T15:45:00.004-06:00

I don't talk about work on my blog very often, but some of you may know that I changed jobs a few months ago.

The new job is ok. I've learned a lot and I've even taught my team some things, too. For example, I taught them that leaving their computers unlocked when they go to the bathroom is a great way to get their desktop background image change to a picture of Justin Bieber.

We all use this application where everyone logs requests, and that's where we pick up our work. At the bottom of the application there are buttons to save, update, close (etc), and then there's this button:

I can't tell you how hard it is to resist hitting this button all the time.

My favourite part of this new job is the same as my favourite part of my last job: lunch. For example, today I went to A&W and I ordered a teen burger and guess what? They didn't even check my ID.

So yeah, things are going pretty well.

Want more jokes about Work?

Who is Obama, revisited?

2010-10-12T21:34:00.003-06:00

Written Version
Want more stories of me being a jerk?

Time Travel is Impossible, Revisited

2010-10-11T16:57:00.002-06:00

Written Version
Want more stories of me being a jerk?

Fat Kid in Nets, Revisited

2010-10-01T20:11:00.002-06:00

Written Version
Want more on hockey?

Grammar and Vocabulary

2010-09-23T11:25:00.002-06:00

My mother is an excellent writer, and has a huge vocabulary, every word of which she knows how to use properly. As a child, she would often use words I didn't understand. I still remember the time she told me to get dressed because we were leaving imminently. After several minutes had passed and I hadn't appeared, she went searching for me. She found me in her office, with a dictionary. "What are you looking for?" she asked. "Imminently," I answered. "Imminently means so soon that you don't have time to look up the word imminently."

I'm not a big fan of using big words. Even in the rare case that I have complete confidence that I was using a word properly, too often I find myself dealing with someone who might not have English as a first language.

That's the main reason why I don't like the "Word of the Day" features, because it's always a word that I'll never hear. "Diaphanous" - gee thanks! That'll come in handy if ever I'm talking to Rex Murphy! If anyone else actually used the word "diaphanous" with me, I'd probably give them a wedgie.

Speaking of which, shouldn't the "Word of the Day" be a word that people actually use, but often get wrong, like utilize, ironic, or literally?

It wasn't just vocabulary, it was also hard growing up with a mother who was so tough on grammar. She often taught me about dangling participles and told me to never end a sentence with a preposition.

Me: Who should I give this to?
Mom: "To whom should you give it."
Me: That's what I'm asking you!

The problem was, by the time I got to the end of the sentence it was already too late. I had committed myself, and it was too late to go back to the start of the sentence, so I would try to find some other way to end the sentence.

Me: Who should I give this to (... oh shit ... um ...) please?

I'm not saying my mother was too tough, but I still remember watching Star Trek and she'd listen to the opening "To boldly go where no man has gone before," cross her arms and shake her head. "You can't split infinitives like that," she'd say.

An infinitive? I didn't even know what an infinitive was, let alone how to split one. "It's ok mom, this is in the future," I'd say. "Someone eventually figures out how to split an infinitive." She'd raise a disapproving eyebrow. "Probably some kid with a mother like you!"

I tried to use the grammar checker on our Word processor, but they weren't very sophisticated back then. It kept accusing me of using the passive voice, to which I would respond "But I'm Canadian!" So I switched to a passive aggressive voice - I just hit "Ignore All."

As an adult I feel very grateful to have a mother like mine. She helped proofread my first attempt at a comedy book back in 2008. When I asked her for an opinion she began "Robert, I'm your mother and I love you very much," which usually means something bad is coming. No one ever starts a sentence by saying they love you and then give you more good news.

I put her suggestions to good use, and the second edition was received very favourably. I even included some of her hand-written comments because they were often funnier than the jokes themselves. (e.g. "You can probably tell this story in a way that doesn't mention your ass.")

If I eventually find a publisher and the book becomes a success, I'll have my mother to thank. In a world where many people can't even get "your" and "you're" straight, I often find myself in that sweet spot where I can understand Rex Murphy and yet remain outside the risk of a wedgie. Thanks Mom!

Want more family humour?

New NHL Team Names

2010-09-21T09:43:00.002-06:00

It occurs to me that Canadian NHL teams don't name themselves after things that are very frightening. Instead of naming themselves Tigers or Lions or Wild Beasts, we have the following teams:

Toronto Maple Leafs - "We Will Dry Up and Blow Away!"
Ottawa Senators - "We Will Bury You in Tedious Paperwork!"
Edmonton Oilers - "Our Hockey Skates Were Stolen by Protesters!"
Vancouver Canucks - "It's Better Than the Vancouver Hosers!"
Montreal Canadiens - "Because Canadians are Scary!
Calgary Flames - "We Like Justin Bieber and Cirque de Soleil!"
(Former teams)
Winnipeg Jets - "We Will Flee Faster than the Speed of Sound!"
Quebec Nordiques - "WTF is a Nordique?"

In an effort to make Canadian teams seem more imposing, I'd like to suggest some names that are a bit more frightening. I based my list on the most common fears and phobias:

Toronto Dark Enclosed Spaces
Ottawa Public Speakers
Edmonton Intimacy
Vancouver Heights
Montreal Needles
Calgary Rejection

Now there are some teams I wouldn't want to face!

Want more Hockey-related Comedy?

I'm Published

2010-09-19T08:51:00.004-06:00

Attention fellow hockey fans! If you love hockey stats and/or want to gain insights based on objective analysis rather than opinion, buy Hockey Prospectus 2010-11.
It starts off with an explanation of GVT and Vukota, the two major stats that we use throughout the book. The former summarizes a player's abilities, both offensive and defensive, measured in goals relative to what you would get with a replacement player, and the latter is a projection system used to predict how a player will perform in the coming season.

We then have a detailed analysis of each of the 30 times, including a reference box that summarizes how we feel they will perform. Last year our system correctly predicted the best (Chicago winning the Cup) and the worst (Leafs finishing 2nd last). Each team analysis is wrapped up with 3-year stats and Vukota projection for all the players on the team, along with a few sentences of additional insights.

After the team summaries there's a collection of stand-alone essays, like the history of hockey statistical analysis, shot quality and the top 50 prospects. I wrote two essays - a primer on a stat called Corsi, and one on translating stats from other leagues to the NHL.

If you're unfamiliar with our work, check out PuckProspectus.com, and there's even a sample chapter of the Pittsburgh Penguins posted. This is brought to you by the same group that brought you proven gems in other sports, including Baseball and Football, so you can easily verify that you're getting quality.

It was a lot of hard work, but also a lot of fun to do, and I think the end result shows that.

Digression

When I was a kid, I loved stats. I remember getting the Smith & Smith's baseball magazine in 1985, and poring over the stats. I have distinct memories of writing them all out on a sheet of paper and making my own stats and calculations. That was the start of a defining moment of my childhood.

From that point on, every year I would get more and more hockey and baseball magazines. Eventually we got a Macintosh computer with Excel, and now I would type in all the stats and have the calculations done for me. I remember how you'd have to do your work with Calculation turned off because computers just weren't very powerful. When it came time to calculate and sort, I'd go find something else to do because it could take hours to complete.

Some of the stuff I eventually did was rather sophisticated. My mother loves telling the story about how we had to stop at her PhD supervisor's office one week-end while running errands, and I sat in the corner while he attempted to explain to her a statistical approach of predicting future outcomes based on historical data. It was actually something I had already figured out on my own with sports stats, so when she wasn't getting it, I tried to explain it to her, too. Her stunned supervisor looked at me and said to her "your son gets it, why can't you?"

I started collecting hockey and baseball cards and my friend George and I would give the players funny nicknames, and we would memorize the stats and quiz each other on them. In high school, my brother would impress his friends by handing them the Baseball Register, challenging them to flip to a random page and ask me a random stat, which I would invariably get correct. One of my teacher's was the editor of the Blue Jays fan club newsletter, and when we caught wind of this, he invited me to write a regular column (entitled "Mr. Stat's Corner"). It was such fun.

Sports stats were such a huge part of my childhood. I must have collected at least 50 magazines and books written by a wide variety of authors. It's a bit of a surreal moment to actually be an author, and to imagine some kid somewhere reading my work, and typing my stats into his spreadsheet.

I'm often asked how I got involved with this project, and as Iain Fyffe explains in the book, it began when I contacted him about his site Puckerings about 7 years ago. We collaborated on an article about the Plus/Minus statistic for the Sports Institute of Hockey Research (SIHR), and he invited me to participate in the new Yahoo Group he created called HAG (Hockey Analysis Group). That's where I met other amazing hockey stat analysts like Tom Awad, Alan Ryder and Gabriel Desjardins.

A couple of years ago, as the 2008-09 season was getting underway, I was contacted by fellow HAG list member Andrew Rothstein. The Prospectus group, already famous for baseball and football were starting a hockey site, and he offered me a chance to participate - I quickly accepted. I encouraged him to recruit my 4 idols, and he got 3 of them (Alan declined).

I was honoured with the site's first article: predicting future outcomes by searching the past for similar players. Since then I've written a regular feature called Howe and Why, and it's been a blast.

Puck Prospectus got a deal with ESPN, and again I was honoured with their first article (though I think Timo's beat mine to actual publication). To date I've written about three dozen articles, which you can read here, including the flagship article in the 2009 Stanley Cup finals, the Marian Hossa Factor, and the off-season article where I suggested Colorado pick up Craig Anderson.

Being so involved with the group, it was natural that they invite me to write the book, offering me the Northwest Division since I'm here in Calgary. Since there was some (very, very unfortunate) contractual issue that prevented Gabriel Desjardins inclusion, I also got to write the essay on League Equivalencies. Like I said before, it was a lot of work, but it was really a blast.

What Next?

I wrote a comedy book back in 2008, entitled "I Don't Make the Rules." More than just a compendium or re-work of my comedy here, it's a collection of humourous stories and observations from my life centred around all the unwritten rules of life that we follow. It's broadly organized into 9 chapters:

1. The Rules of Childhood
2. The Rules of Adolescence
3. The Rules of Adulthood
4. The Rules of Love
5. The Anti-Carnegie Rules
6. The Rules of Hockey
7. The Rules of Eating
8. The Rules of Hollywood
9. The Rules of the Road

My first version, which was read only by my mother, father and brother, was generally not received favourably.

In 2009 I cut about 40% of the material that was either least funny or most inappropriate, re-wrote and re-organized the sections that needed work, and released it to a group of 5 readers. This time the reaction was quite positive, with the biggest hits being the anti-Carnegie chapter (how to lose friends by breaking the unwritten rules) and the childhood stories - especially those about my father.

This year's version 3 was reduced slightly farther, with some minor revisions. All I really need now is a publisher, and perhaps if the above project is well-received I may be able to find one. If so, my readers here will be the first to know.

Want to know more about Robert Vollman?

Facebook Status

2010-09-07T19:42:00.002-06:00

If you're not my Facebook friend yet, you don't know what you're missing. Here's a sneak peek.

Here is a link to last year's version

Want more of my assorted humour?

The Garage Approach

2010-09-07T14:55:00.001-06:00

I have a friend with a son who is a competitive athlete who is performing extremely well, but having trouble making that final step, and upping his game to become the very best.

It may be amazing that someone is coming to me for advice, but let me say two things about that:
1. This is a relatively new friend
2. Technically he never asked for my advice. Like most, he kind of had it thrust upon him against his will.

Getting right to the point, I suggested my friend try a new approach, one that I call "The Garage Approach." How does it work? It's actually very simple - if your son doesn't win, he has to sleep in the garage. All he really needs is that extra incentive.

In practice, it's quite simple. As he's getting into the car and ready to go, you excuse yourself for a moment, go back into the house and come out with a sleeping bag and a pillow, which you lay out somewhere at the back of the garage.

"What's that for?" he'll probably ask.

"Oh that? Don't worry about that. That's just in case you don't win," you explain.

I doubt he'll ask any follow-up questions, he'll probably just process the situation quietly.

If there's a half-time break and your son is struggling, just swing by and try to take his mind off it with some idle chat. "Sure is some cold weather we're having lately," for example. "Boy, this would be a lousy night for anyone that would have to sleep in a garage."

If "The Garage Approach" doesn't work, you can always try "The Dainty Dress Approach," but that one has a few complications with roughly 10% of the population.

I'm not saying this is the first approach you should try, but my friend had already tried everything else. And remember what I've always said: when you go to Vollman for advice, you always get exactly what you deserve.

Want more of Robert's Advice?

This Century Sucks

2010-09-02T13:54:00.002-06:00

Rant Alert!

One of the reasons the 21st century sucks so far is this new attitude that it's more important to appear to be a certain way than to actually be that way. It seems that it's more important to appear to be than to be.

Just take a look around - Global Warming, Stimulus Packages, Barack Obama, the Tea Party, the War on Drugs, all of it - how much of it is about actually doing something, and how much of it is just simply about appearing to be?

And people follow politics the way they do sports. They put on the jersey of their favourite political party, and their guys can do no wrong. Some days it's almost like they're given a script to explain how their team is always completely right while a virtually identical team with different packaging is always completely wrong.

You know, back in the 80s if you thought you knew what was best for others, you'd approach people and try to persuade them to agree. Now in the 21st century we instead approach the government and try to persuade them to force others.

What truly boggles me, is why don't young people vote? It's their future earnings we're wasting to save our jobs and the value of our homes. It's their future labour that we're promising to pay for our health care bills and our retirements. It's their asses we're sending to fight abroad. It's their planet we're exploiting and polluting.

They have far more at stake than we do. And when they do vote, they actually vote in favour of such things!

I'm not saying the 21st century is worse than the 80s. It's essentially the same except we spend all our effort making it APPEAR to be better. And THAT's what bugs me - for the same amount of effort we could make it actually BE better.

Want more Political Rants?

The Current State of TV

2010-08-26T11:52:00.001-06:00

TV sure has changed a lot since the 80s. I used to watch sitcoms and formulaic action/drama programs, and now we get reality shows and formulaic law/medical dramas instead. Oh, and shows with one-word titles where the lead character is brilliant but moody.

You know, I used to watch a lot of shows like American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance and America's Got Talent, until I discovered this wonderful group of people called "Professionals." They're just like the amateurs on those shows, except they have talent, training, preparation and experience.

It occurred to me that professionals could also improve reality shows. Not long ago I was watching shows like Big Brother and Survivor and I thought to myself - do you know what would improve this show? I love spending my evenings watching random morons doing nothing of importance as much as the next guy, but what if they used professional actors instead? And what if they performed interesting and insightful stories written by professional writers?

I know that's pretty radical, but I think I'm on to something.

One of the keys to a successful program is convincing the viewer to suspend their disbelief, and to believe the characters and situations they're watching are real.

For me that's hard to do when the ugliest people on TV are Ugly Betty and that chick on Criminal Minds with the giant nose. (Ok I'm not saying her nose is that big, but her sneeze has a built-in echo. Check it out for yourself - you can see her nose on Google Maps*).

It can be frustrating watching programs where everyone is young, gorgeous, with perfect hair and make-up, wearing clean, fashionable clothes that actually fit, and then the next morning you head into an office full of fat ugly sloppy people instead. I guess real life is more like a British show.

Here's my advice for those writers trying to get us to suspend our disbelief:
- People in their mid-20s are usually not the most senior detectives, lawyers, forensic scientists or Cylon-killing pilots in the office.
- Gorgeous people usually don't have to bust their asses in an office like the rest of us, and those that do normally don't have time to see a hairstylist on their way in.
- Occasionally clothes get dirty, torn, wrinkled, and yes, even the occasional mustard stain

I guess the main difference in TV these days is that it has gotten a lot of racier. There is so much more sex, violence and foul language these days.

You know, my mom was always concerned about what I was watching on TV, and how it might influence my already twisted behaviour, but look at how much harder it is for parents today.

Creepy Moments in 80s movies my mom had to worry about:
1. Luke making out with his twin sister Leia.
2. Marty McFly's mother falling in love with him.

Creepy Moments in 00s movies that we have to worry about:
1. Undead vampires older than my grandfather falling in love with teenage girls.
2. Dudes using virtual reality to have sex with blue alien monkeys.

Captain Kirk was pretty liberal when it came to his encounters with aliens, but I think even he would have drawn the line somewhere.

I agree that TV has come a long way since the 80s, I just don't think it's gone in any particular direction.

*Seriously though - I heard her nose almost won a bid to host the Winter Olympics.

Want more of my comedy take on TV Shows?

The Prince and Me

2010-08-23T15:33:00.004-06:00

Not a bad movie. I googled the movie afterwards and saw some interesting script changes, like for example when Queen Rosalind gives Paige Morgan (Julia Stiles) her blessing to marry her son ...

FINAL VERSION

Queen Rosalind: Two weeks ago, I thought you were the end of the monarchy. Now I see you may be the best thing that ever happened to us.

Paige: Thank you.

ORIGINAL VERSION

Queen Rosalind: Two weeks ago, I thought you were the end of the monarchy. Now I see you may be the best thing that ever happened to us.

Paige: Thank you. I'm really not surprised by your compliment because I kind of figured the Danish monarchy was so free of accomplishment in its 350 years that it makes sense that some random young American woman of no particular talent would probably be a list-topper.

Personally, I preferred the original version

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Lawncare and Allergies

2010-08-20T22:02:00.003-06:00

Home ownership has its pros and cons, and for me one of the cons is yardwork. I hate yardwork.

All I really want is to avoid having the worst lawn on the block. And I soon discovered that it was easier and cheaper to sabotage your neighbours' lawns than to take good care of your own. Lawncare became a lot easier after that.

Neighbour: "Man, I've tried everything but my lawn just won't grow in this year."
Me: "Yeah tell me about it! Must be something to do with the soil or something."

One of the reasons I hate yardwork is allergies. Sure, pollen makes my eyes red but what I'm really allergic to is sweating in the hot sun with grass stuck to your sweat. I may be allergic to pollen, but if video games gave me the sniffles, I'd probably still tough it out at least once a week.

Allergies are actually a blessing for lazy people like me. Allergies are the perfect "get out of work free" card. Whenever someone asks me to help them with anything, I just blame my allergies.

Friend: "Can you help me dry wall my basement this week-end?"
Me: "Sorry. Allergies."
Friend: "You're allergic to the dust, eh?"
Me: "Allergies can really suck sometimes."

Notice that you can say the same thing whether you have allergies or not, it's all in how you phrase it.

Want more stories of me being a jerk?

Thoughts on 35

2010-08-19T10:50:00.002-06:00

Wow, 35 years old today. That's 5 touchdowns, including single-point conversions. Even the Saskatchewan Roughriders couldn't blow the lead I have on today's newborns.

It may seem like just a number, but 35 changes everything. I'll be checking a whole different box on surveys now.

35 years is a milestone, folks. You know how professors achieve academic tenure? Well now it's like I have tenure on life. I should have the freedom to speak my mind and be as controversial and irrelevant as I want.

And I shouldn't have to give up my seat on the bus anymore. If an older person should amble by, I figure I can remain comfortably seated and just look at the fellow next to me instead. Tenure.

Physically, it's not like today is any different than yesterday. I've already got white chest hair, my joints already crack, and foot-long ear hairs have been sprouting out overnight for years. On the bright side, my Uncle told me that now I'm actually old enough that it's ok to be bald. Did I mention I have a great family?

There were certain things I wanted to achieve by the time I was 35, but when I set those goals I didn't realise how things would change. I may be single at 35, which would have been abhorrent in the 80s or 90s, but it's quite acceptable today. Heck, I have 65 years to get bit by a vampire, thus becoming a sex symbol and transforming "falling in love with a teenager" from something really creepy to something incredibly romantic. That's plenty of time! No rush.

That being said, there were a few things on my childhood list where I've clearly come up short:

1. Go to the moon
2. Own my own hovercar
3. Beat Quadruple Dragon

If I went back in time to the 80s, I think I'd be ok breaking the news to my young self that there is no base on the moon to visit, and that hovercars don't exist, but I don't think my young mind could have handled the startling reality that we didn't even follow up Double Dragon with a 3-player version, let alone 4.

That's about all I have on my mind about this momentous occasion right now. I plan to celebrate this day the same way I celebrate every day: in front of the TV with a bowl of cheezies balanced on my stomach. Forget the hovercar, I've got Star Trek on DVD.

Want more of my assorted Comedy?

Back to the Future

2010-08-16T20:07:00.003-06:00

Late last year Matsby invited me to take part in a podcast where we reviewed the Back to the Future movies. It's now available on-line, and it turned out a million times better than I was afraid it would, so please check it out.

Although the focus is reviewing the movies, and using it as a springboard to talk about time travel, there's also a lot of comedy. If you've seen this movies, you should really check it out, because there are plenty of laughs and insights. Thanks Matsby for including me.

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Eat Pray Poop

2010-08-13T14:33:00.002-06:00

The latest rage is a book-turned-movie called "Eat, Pray, Love" by a divorced woman who travels the world and discovers herself, and true love, on her journey.

Needless to say, women are eating this up. I think with a few minor modifications that men would like this too.

If Bruce Lee were still alive, adding a few of his fight scenes to this movie would probably do it, but in the absence of that option, I would put it more in terms to which a man can relate.

1. Eat

This part is fine. Men can relate to eating lots of pasta, meat and cake.

2. Pray
Once again, this part is fine. I don't know about you, but I do most of my praying after I eat. I pray to God to ease my suffering, and pledge never to eat that much food and in that combination again.

3. Love -> Poop

Love to Poop is the one change I'd make to appeal to men. Assuming the prayers were heard, we can release our pain and feel better once again. The feeling we get from taking a good, solid poop is probably as close as men can get to understanding true love anyway.

4. Nap (Bonus)

Ok this one is optional, maybe as the credits roll. Nothing completes the great evening described above better than falling asleep on the couch in front of the TV with the pants thrown on the floor.

See, men and women aren't that different.

Want more jokes about Movies?

Foul Ball Date

2010-08-13T08:10:00.002-06:00

Have you seen this latest clip, of a guy on a date at a baseball game, and rather than try to catch a foul ball hit their way, or at least protect his date from it, he runs out of the way and lets it nail her? Check it out.

Click for Foul Ball Date

There were headlines everywhere that chivalry was dead*, but come on - look at them! If a cute blonde is going to go on a date with a guy that apparently needs instructions for his baseball cap, then she'd better keep her eye on the ball!

What I don't get is that she appears to have seen the ball coming, or at least was looking in the right direction, and yet didn't scramble out of the way herself. So if her boyfriend is dumb, what does that make her?

I don't see the big deal anyway. It's not like he leaned behind her to protect himself.

*If chivalry is dead, feminism killed it, by teaching us that women aren't helpless. Except blondes, apparently.

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Rethink Alberta

2010-08-11T16:17:00.003-06:00

Have you seen the new ad released by some American environmentalist groups calling for a boycott of Alberta due to the oilsands? Check it out.

Note: First, on a serious note, most of what was said in this video was discredited as not only false, but "not even close." Check out CAPP for facts.

What did Alberta's premier have to say about this?

There are "350 million Americans -- 330 million of them probably don't even know where Alberta is," the premier said.

Wow, the premier responds to this attack by saying that 94% of Americans are ignorant. Way to stay classy!

Angus Reid did a survey about the impact of this ad. Apparently it was very effective in convincing people not to visit Alberta.

On behalf of Albertans, I therefore proclaim that we will shut down the oilsands. If people aren't going to visit, then there's no point us producing all this cheap energy, right?

After all, that's the fundamental reason we attract the world's greatest engineers to help us extract oil and gas, isn't it? So people will visit us?

So we'll knock it off. Punishing tourism-related industries - one of the few industries in Alberta that have nothing to do with the energy industry - is by far the most brilliant way to get us to stop.

If you're not going to visit Banff National Park, or see the dinosaurs in the Drumheller museum, then exploiting our natural resources just isn't worth it. You win!

You'll just have to get your energy from the Middle East, the Gulf, Venezuela, US coal mines, and maybe even poke some holes in Alaska - all of which I'm sure will provide you with energy in a far more responsible, ethical and environmental fashion. (P.S. I have a bridge to sell you).

In all seriousness, punishing Alberta tourism for the environmental impact of the energy industry is like refusing to buy hot dogs from some guy with a stand on the same street where some John (that's you) is getting "serviced" by a hooker (that's us). It makes no sense!

Bonus:

According to the same Angus Reid Survey, only 8% of Quebecers thought the advertisement was unfair.

Well here's another number: 25%. That's how much of Quebec's revenue is coming from the rest of Canada, primarily Alberta and it's oil sands.

You want to boycott Alberta, try boycotting our money first. Then, get yourself a bike!

And if you really think that your hydroelectric power is killing fewer animals and has affected fewer native communities than the oil sands, then I still want to talk to you about that bridge for sale.

Edit
On second though, I think I'm being too harsh. I don't blame Quebec for not sticking up for us and just piling on. After all, they probably have no idea what it's like to be targetted for being different - they probably can't relate to this type of dishonest mud-slinging. I guess Quebec's just lucky that everybody has always really, really liked them.

Want more of the lighter side of Politics?

Separate Oil and State

2010-08-06T13:50:00.003-06:00

Earlier this week some Greenpeace activists hung a banner from the Calgary Tower that said "Separate Oil and State".

Instead of the Calgary Tower, they should have hung this on one of the downtown skyscrapers, for two reasons:
1. They're taller and can actually be seen
2. They actually have oil executives within

That being said, it's a lousy slogan. In most oil-exporting countries around the world, like in the Middle East, China, former Soviet countries, Mexico or Venezuela, the oil companies are state-controlled.

Why would they hang this banner in Canada, one of the few oil-exporting countries that actually has a separation of oil and state? Other than the fact that they'd get shot for doing the same thing in any of the other ones?

Turns out that it's just a lousy slogan. I went to their web site and what they actually want is to remove the influence energy companies have on public policy (but to KEEP the influence public policy has on energy companies, but I guess "Separate Oil and State One Way" wouldn't fit).

First of all, why would their idea make sense for energy companies, but not other types of corporations? Why not advocate for the separation of corporations and state? Again - too big for the banner?

Secondly, it's completely unrealistic. Even if they didn't get a single dime in exchange, Albertan politicians would still beg energy companies for assistance with public policy. Why? Simple.

Most Albertans rely on the jobs provided by the energy companies, either directly or indirectly. Our social programs are paid for largely with revenues provided by energy companies. The transportation and heating costs in a huge, cold province are kept reasonable by the energy companies. Our investments, including pensions, are dependent on the success of these energy companies.

In short, if the energy companies are successful, then Albertans will have jobs, social programs, gas, heat, and strong investments.
Any politician that can deliver all of that is guaranteed to get elected.
To deliver that, they're going to need the energy companies to help him shape public policy.

You don't have to like it, but that's the way it is. No attempt to legislate things differently will work.

There's only one way to change this situation, so listen carefully Greenpeace: You need to appeal directly to the individuals.

Convince us to get a bike, and to stop driving alone to work and back every day in our SUVs. Convince us to lower our thermostat and wear a sweater in the winter.

The only way we'll reduce the influence of the energy industry is to convince individuals to use less of it.

In conclusion, the banner should have said:

"HEY YOU! Use Less Energy"

Want more thoughts on Energy and the Environment?

The Power of "Unless"

2010-08-06T11:01:00.001-06:00

Whenever someone says that something can't be done, unleash the power of the word "Unless."

You see, when someone says that something can't be done, they have some underlying assumptions. When you use the word "Unless" it gives them permission to change those assumptions.

Example:
We'll never make it to the meeting on time.

Unless?

- Unless I'm wrong about when the meeting starts
- Unless my watch is off
- Unless the meeting is delayed for some reason
- Unless we ignore all traffic laws and risk our safety
- Etc

By using the word "Unless", you've transformed the tone of the conversation from a negative one, that focuses on what can't be done, to a new direction where you're examining possibilities.

After using the word "Unless", the natural tendency is to examine all the possibilities and see if there's one that's workable. Continuing the example, you could come up with ways that would delay the meeting until your arrival.

If someone says that a particular possibility is unworkable, you can even introduce "Unless" again.

Continuing our example:
There's no way I'm wrong about when the meeting starts

Unless?

- Unless it's a different time zone
- Unless I got it confused with another meeting
- Unless they gave me the wrong meeting time
- Etc.

Even if you ultimately don't find a workable possibility, at this point you're not saying that something can't be done, but rather that you're making a choice of priorities. Continuing our example, you could say that you can make the meeting on time, but road safety is more important.

When something needs to get done, regardless of whether it's work-related or at home, the word "Unless" is a great way to transform a negative-toned discussion about what can't be done into a discussion on possibilities, and choices.

I use it especially when negotiating and solving problems. Here are a few more examples in closing.

Negotiating Example:
There's no way I can give it to you at that price.

Unless?

- Unless my manager himself approved it
- Unless you paid the entire sum up front, in cash
- Unless you could personally deliver ten new customers
- Unless you bought a thousand
- Etc.

Problem-solving examples:
There's no way you can put that in the microwave, because it has metal.

Unless?

- Unless you could wrap it in something that could deflect the microwaves
- Unless you had it on a short time at low power, maybe
- Unless you had a microwave that was equipped to handle the sparks
- Unless it's a particular type of metal that isn't affected my microwaves
- Etc.

There's no way my hair will grow back.

Unless?

- Unless it's caused by something environmental I'm not aware of
- Unless there's a new advance in hair restoration with which I'm not familiar
- Unless I didn't follow the directions properly on the last system I was on
- Etc.

Want more useful tips for work?

City on the Edge of Forever

2010-08-02T18:37:00.003-06:00

Last year Matsby asked me to write up a review of one of my favourite Star Trek episode, due to it being the first one that involved time travel - a common interest of ours. Now I've finally gotten around to it, which is actually quite soon by his standards.

This is a hard review to write, because "City on the Edge of Forever" is one of the four or five Star Trek episodes that bring a few tears to my eyes. Although, in fairness, "Spock's Brain" probably shouldn't count because I cried because it was so bad.

The story begins when Dr. McCoy "accidentally" drugs himself, and has a bad trip. He beams off the ship to the mysterious planet below, and Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock chase after him, bringing along two red shirts (wise), Scottie, and, for absolutely zero reason, Lieutenant Uhura. While searching for Dr. McCoy, they stumble upon something shiny and completely forget about their friend and his potentially fatal condition.

Turns out that it's a gateway into Earth's past, into which druggie Dr. McCoy suddenly leaps. Moments later the Enterprise disappears because of something McCoy did in the past. Only Kirk, Spock, and the others are safe because they're on the planet protected by the gateway (and not wearing red shirts). Everyone else, including all of Star Fleet, apparently ceases to exist.

I know this seems like the most amazing device, and it probably gets destroyed at the end of the episode, right? Wrong. The time portal works just fine, it's just one of those amazingly powerful devices that we never hear from again. There are countless occasions in future episodes and movies where time portals, mind-controlling bugs, Genesis weapons, and countless other discoveries would have been invaluable, but are completely forgotten. To me, it's kind of a running gag.

Anyway, Spock and Kirk decide go back to try to find McCoy, figure out what he did to screw up the future, and stop him. And maybe play the stock market a little.

Turns out that McCoy went back to America, in the 1930s. One of the first rules of time travel is that you never wind up in Africa, or Asia, or some rinky-dink Pacific island, nope you always wind up in New York.

The first person McCoy meets, before passing out, is some random homeless guy. For no particular reason the homeless guy steals McCoy's phaser and accidentally vaporizes himself. Turns out this homeless guy had no more effect on history than he does the story. Moving on ...

Spock and Kirk show up next, and they try to find McCoy, without success. Spock decides to invent the world's first computer, but unfortunately this was well before there was any Vulcan porn on the Internet.

So instead he hooks it up to his tricorder so he can help locate McCoy, which is pretty amazing because I can't even find a cable that will hook my old camera up to the computer and it's only ten years old.

Eventually, with Spock's primitive version of Google or something, we learn that McCoy saved the life of a war protesting pacifist. The pacifist was a wonderful person, but convinced Americans not to enter World War II until it was too late, and the extra time that bought the Nazis was enough for them to get the Atomic bomb, and presumably destroy the planet.

So far, the morals of the story include:
1. Homeless people are of no consequence
2. Protesting war is BAD!

Back to the story. Turns out that Captain Kirk accidentally fell in love with the pacifist (relax, she's a woman, and played by Joan Collins actually), and is hesitant to let her die. So far there have been more accidents in this one episode that in an entire season of Three's Company.

Finally they find McCoy, and in a very gripping scene Kirk is forced to stop McCoy from saving her life. McCoy didn't know why Kirk stopped him, presumably because he didn't know the whole story (either that, or he was secretly a Nazi - this was never revealed).

Fortunately letting the war protester die restored their future, and all was well. But since they didn't know how to get back to their own time, they were stranded on Earth where they eventually wound up meeting up with this young man named Gene Roddenberry. They tell him about the future (their past) and eventually help him write a TV series called "Star Trek."

The end.

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Vulcan Neck Pinch

2010-07-22T19:30:00.005-06:00

It's a good thing I'm not a Vulcan because I'm not sure I could resist the urge to abuse the Vulcan neck pinch.

I was just in Montreal visiting some friends, and their 6-year-old was begging me for stories. When I ran out of interesting stories I started converting Star Trek movies into children's stories. It was surprisingly easy and effective.

He was fascinated by Mr. Spock and the Vulcans. I told him about the Vulcan neck pinch, and he proceeded to dish them out non-stop to everyone around him. I consider that my little "thank you gift" to my hosts.

If I were Vulcan, I'm not sure I'd have much more restraint than my young friend. Think of how useful it would be to put someone to sleep with just some light pressure on their neck and shoulder? Let's be honest, you'd use it all the time!

On the planet Vulcan, I doubt anyone gets into the express line at the grocery store with more than 12 items. That sort of issue is very easily resolved on any planet with the Vulcan neck pinch.

And kids that won't go to sleep? Vulcan neck pinch.

How about a date that's not going well? Go for the kiss (to fake them out) and then gracefully apply the Vulcan neck pinch instead. They get a nice nap, and you get the time to escape.

I'd probably even have a few self-inflicted neck pinches. You could use that the next time you suffered insomnia, or had to sit through something particularly boring, like mass, or a road trip through Saskatchewan.

People say there are downsides to being Vulcan. For instance, they have sex only once every 7 years. Let me say two things about that:
1. I'm apparently already a Vulcan
2. At least you can put your partner to sleep afterwards.

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Michael Jackson's Beat It

2010-07-20T15:29:00.007-06:00

I was only 7 years old when Michael Jackson released Beat It. It was a great song, with a great video, from a great performer. Never mind what happened to Jackson later, or his personal life, and instead join me back in 1982, and watch the video.

Michael Jackson's beat it will definitely go down as one of the most memorable songs in my lifetime. I must have heard that song a hundred times throughout my life, and virtually everyone over 30 knows it word-for-word. As I make fun of the video, know that I'm doing so with the utmost respect and appreciation.

The video opens with rumours of some kind of fight. Gang members come out of the wordwork to participate, including one guy actually coming out of the sewer at 0:31. Yes, that apparently actually happened in the 80s. No mutant turtles came out, though.

At 0:46 you may even recognise one of the gang members preparing for the fight, that's Detective Torres putting on his boss's manly white jacket. He must have been undercover.

So the two bosses walk through the streets assembling the most feminine gang possible. I know it's hard to find big, masculine dancers for this video, but at least lose the ones with heavily-conditioned hair and jewelry.

Listen, I'm not trying to be homophobic. Hey - I love George Michael as much as the next guy, but he doesn't make me want to beat it, in any sense of the word.

Having failed to set the mood with the gangs, the director needs some other way of establishing the mood. Well, nothing says "something is about to go down" like a man looking through his blinds, at 1:26.

Meanwhile Michael Jackson is just lying in bed, in a dark, empty apartment with nothing but a lamp and an ashtray. No wonder he keeping talking about beating it. Maybe he should get a TV or some books to fill up his spare time instead.

Finally at 1:35 he gets mad enough to get up, put on the most intimidating shirt in his collection, and head out to stop the madness.

Michael doesn't have a lot of luck finding the fight at first, but we get to see his awesome dance moves at 2:21 in the diner. Being 7, I was quite grateful that I could actually perform most of Jackson's dance moves in this scene.

He then finds himself in an empty pool hall, and at 2:48 he tells us to beat it, and then breathes heavy into the camera. Michael, are you SURE this is still about urban violence?

Finally we find ourselves in the warehouse where the fight is about to begin. But WTF - who is that guy? Is he in the gang, or just some old guy who was waiting for the bus and got swept up by the crowd?

At 3:02 we get a look at the rival gang, which I'm assuming is a group of blind black men.

3:11 marks the most awesome part of the song: Eddie Van Halen's guitar riff. He actually did this for free! Halfway through the riff we get to see what the fight is all about, as the two 110-pound men get their wrists tied together at 3:25.

Then they pull switchblades (those were big in the 80s). My money's on the guy with vision.

They start circling around each other menacingly while the other gang members circle around them trying not to look gay. They fail.

Finally at 3:43 Michael Jackson shows up to save the day. He's in no rush, though, he takes a good 20 seconds to casually dance his way towards them.

How does he persuade them not to fight? I'm glad you asked. He choreographs a dance for them at 4:05. Even at age 7, for reasons that weren't yet clear to me, it somehow made sense that this particular gang could be enticed to call off the fight with nothing more than a catchy number and some pelvic thrusts.

The only frightening moment of the entire video occurs at 4:20, when one guy appears to have a seizure!

If you want to teach yourself the Michael Jackson dance, skip ahead to 4:43. Anyone over 35 knows this down cold, here's how it goes:
- right arm up and down
- left arm up and down
- repeat, but stick the appropriate leg out at the same time.
- turn to your left, stick both arms straight out in front of you and bring them in, twice
- turn back forward with a short hip thrust and stick both arms out to the side
- spin left to face away, sticking out your left arm
- spin back forward, thrust your shoulders forward (Right, Left, Right)
- half-kneel down with your right knee quickly
- walk forward, flicking your right forearm out to the side as you advance.

Addendum: Eat It

Weird Al Yankovic essentially launched his career with a shot-for-shot remake of Beat it, with Eat it

I won't recap Weird Al's video in the same level of detail, but even the first few seconds start out with excellent examples of his subtle plays at humour:
- the spit-take (I love those) at 0:09
- the Three stooges at 0:16
- someone fat getting stuck 0:25

See how many others you can find throughout the video, like frames falling or the garage door not opening.

Eat It is also the only song of which I'm aware that has farts (0:25) and burps (1:40). Of course, the lowest form of humour is that the gang forgets their pants at 0:46. That's just cheap laughs, Al, the sign of someone who has run out of ideas.

Weird Al's version has the same guitar riff, but in this case the guitar blows up, at 2:50 - my favourite part of the video. The only beef I have with the lyrics is that he says "Don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan" at 0:50.

In 1982 Japan was one of the richest nations on Earth, and there were certainly very few starving people there. I understand Weird Al needed a rhyme, but how about Bhutan or Sudan? Or even Vietnam?

Doesn't matter - I love Weird Al's version almost as much as the real thing!

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Freezer

2010-07-16T12:35:00.005-06:00

Time it takes Usain Bolt to run 100 meters: 9.58 seconds
Time it takes for light to travel from the Earth to the moon: 1.52 seconds
Time it takes to blink: 0.15 seconds
Time two brothers can apparently play Lego unsupervised without fighting: 0.11 seconds

I have to admit that one of my favourite parts of staying with friends is playing with their kids. Stories, drawing, games, walks, Lego, there are very few activities that can't be made more enjoyable with the enthusiasm and creativity of a child.

Unfortunately at our age we can't play non-stop for more than an hour or two, so when I took a short break I was surprised to hear crashing and crying. When I approached I saw a squabble in process, and the Lego fort on which the two brothers had collaborated for hours already destroyed.

"Are you kidding me?" I said to them. "You've been playing together like angels all day! I seriously can't leave for a minute without Lesnar-Couture breaking out?"

They looked up at me, almost intrigued by my reaction. "You're just messing with me, right? You can't honestly be fighting over Lego, can you? I can maybe understand people fighting over a stretch of useless desert for over 2000 years, but Lego? How is that possible?"

"He broke my ship," said the youngest.

"But it's Lego," I interjected. "You can't break Lego. Look, it snaps back together! Did you actually just cry over something that takes less than a second to fix? Do you seriously have the same reaction to this as you would if you fell in front of a bus and it squashed your leg into a panini?"

"Yeah," he was already giggling.

"You should pace yourself, buddy," I advised. "Maybe just say 'heeeyyyy' when someone breaks your Lego, and save the screams for if you screw up a time travel experiment and wind up in a Japanese POW camp in 1942, ok?"

"Ok."

Anyway, my well-reasoned pleas fell on deaf ears, for mere moments later they were at it again. I came back into the room.

"Are you kidding me? Seriously? You have got to be just messing with me now. Where are the cameras?"

"HE TOOK MY SHIP!"

"Ok that's it, you're going into the freezer."

"What????" they both screamed.

"You're going into the freezer and I'll thaw you out when you're 16," I said. To their wide eyes, I opened the freezer and started removing items to make room. I'm not very experienced with watching children, but that seemed like the most reasonable course of action.

I chased them around the house, caught them as they were laughing and screaming, but of course they wouldn't fit in the freezer. "You're lucky your parents don't have a bigger freezer!"

They played pretty well after that. So well, in fact, that we took them for Slurpees the next day, for a treat. When their mother wasn't looking, I said to them "hey, check this out." They followed me back to the ice cream section. "Do you think you could both fit into THAT freezer?"

Their eyes opened pretty wide.

As we left the store, their mother asked me what that was all about. "Oh, nothing. Just showing the kids what I'm getting their dad for his next birthday."

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Pizza Burger

2010-07-05T09:35:00.002-06:00

You've no doubt enjoyed the bachelor recipes I've shared with you in the past, now it's time for one more: the pizza burger.

The recipe is simple:
1. Bake two mini-pizzas in the oven
2. While it's baking, cook up a burger
3. Use the mini-pizzas as buns for the burger.

It's absolutely delicious. If it's too big, you can cut it up and eat it like a pie.

YUM

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First Day

2010-06-24T09:13:00.001-06:00

I had a dream last night where I showed up for my first day at a new job and had forgotten my pants. I tried to find a nearby clothing store, but none of them were open yet. I wound up calling my mother to bring me a pair. I remember being stricken by just how remarkably unsurprised she was that I had forgotten my pants.

In any event, I was so shaken up the next morning that I wrote **PANTS** on my calendar. I might even pack and extra pair in my workbag for the next little while, just in case.

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Jolly Jumper

2010-06-21T09:54:00.002-06:00

The best part of family gatherings like Father's Day yesterday is hearing your parents tell everyone stories about you as a child.

For example, last night my father told everyone that they put my jolly jumper in front of a mirror so that I thought I had a friend. Raucous laughter all around the room.

Did I say the best part? I meant the worst part.

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Gay Klingons

2010-06-20T14:17:00.006-06:00

In total there have been six different Star Trek series, and 11 Star Trek movies. In that time they have explored many controversial topics, and yet there is one that they left alone. To my knowledge there has never been a gay character. (Unless you count Wesley Crusher).

I think that's a huge oversight. Way back in high school a friend of mine and I wrote a Star Trek parody. At one stage the crew of the Enterprise comes across a Klingon ship that had been hit with a virus deadly to Klingons. Somehow, a few dozen of the crew survived. Spock and Dr. McCoy conducted a thorough analysis of all the surviving Klingons, but could not determine what they had in common that made them immune the virus. So Kirk gave it a shot.

Kirk: What is your name and rank?
Morgok: I am Morgok, I am Commander of Dance Choreography in Engineering.
Kirk: Interesting. And you?
Gork: I am Lieutenant Gork, ship's Hairdresser.
Kirk: Hairdresser?
Gork: Yes, and may I say that your hair lacks both volume and honour.
Kirk: I see.
Anyway, not even Kirk could figure out what the common thread may have been that saved these Klingons, but it made for some great comedy.

For example, later in that same story the Enteprise was locked in a battle with the Romulans when the Klingons showed up. Everybody panicked when the great warrior race arrived, only to watch them start straightening up the battlefield.

The new Star Trek movies can finally break new ground by introducing a gay character. Every show on TV has a gay human, so that wouldn't be interesting, and Vulcans show no emotions and have sex only once every 7 years, so you wouldn't even be able to tell. That's why the gay character should be a Klingon. Instead of Lieutenant Worf you'd have Lieutenant Poof. And he'd be fabulous.

Just a suggestion.

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Fart Balloons

2010-06-18T08:30:00.002-06:00

What is a fart balloon? It's exactly what it sounds like: a balloon filled not with air or helium, but by farts. Some days I write something clever, witty and insightful. As you can tell, this will not be one of those days.

To create a fart balloon you need to attach a one way valve to your fart-maker, attach a balloon, eat lots of food that give you gas, and wait patiently. Once you have a decent-sized fart balloon, the fun can begin.

The most obvious prank is to simply pop it and watch the people suffer. You can just walk into someone's office, pop it, and then close the door and hold it shut. Or you can pop it as you leave an elevator. My favourite it just to leave it on someone's desk with a pin - the natural human response is to pop it.

Fart balloons are also great for camping. You can throw it onto the campfire and see the flash of fire when it pops and burns. It's funny for a minute, but then the stink hits you and it's time to go to bed.

I guess the best possible use of a fart balloon is to mix it up with helium balloons. Grab a helium balloon, inhale, and start speaking in the funny high-pitched voice. Offer the fart balloon to a friend and tell him to join you.

That's probably the only way to get someone to inhale a big mouthful of fart. Trust me, I've tried many different approaches.

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Idle Observations

2010-06-15T09:21:00.005-06:00

I learned something new yesterday.

You know how when you're talking to someone and you accidentally spit in their face, and they say "Hey, I want the news, not the weather!"

Well apparently that doesn't mean that when they ask you what the weather's like outside that you can spit in their face. I was like "Hey, you asked for the weather, not the news!" but they just got really mad and starting shoving me.

Also, I finally got a chance to watch Sixth Sense. The movie is about this kid who can see dead people and it has a twist ending. Since it's an old movie I don't mind giving it away -- it turns out that Bruce Willis was dead the entire movie and didn't even know it.

Nobody talked to him, nobody acknowledged his existence, he had no friends, probably no birthday cards, and it was all because he was dead and didn't even know it.

If that's what it's like to be dead, I might be dead too. So I saw it as an opportunity instead of a problem and went to the women's change room at the health club across the street from where I work. Long story short, either I'm not dead, or all of them can see dead people -- either way I'm banned from the club.

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Angry Coaches

2010-06-09T13:48:00.008-06:00

My favourite part of watching an Edmonton Oiler hockey game is when they show Coach Pat Quinn after his team is scored against. The cameramen always pan to the opposing team's coach whenever a goal is scored because they know how entertaining it is to see how pissed off they get. And no one is more entertaining than Pat Quinn.

He gets SO ANGRY. His facial expressions are classic. I keep expecting him to break a stick over his own head or chew through the plexiglass. The Oilers allowed 284 goals last season and each time Quinn looked like he was ready to spit nails. And the camera caught him every time.

Well next season I'm going to get tickets right behind the Oilers bench and as soon as the Oilers are scored against, I'm going to lean over and stick a cute little furry kitten right in front of him to see how he'll react.

I'm not sure how he'd react to that. Maybe the kitten would help him calm down and relax. Or maybe he'd eat the kitten. Either way the camera would catch it and it would be very entertaining.

So set your PVRs.

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I hear you, Drew

2010-06-09T13:33:00.005-06:00

Drew, I don't know who you are, but I can tell you that you're not alone. If I had a nickel for every note that came my way looking like that, I could break a twenty dollar bill.

Look on the bright side - you only got 3 evers after the never. That's nothing! PLUS she didn't say WHAT you sucked. If she isn't going to bother going into detail, then you really don't suck that bad. Just a little.

Take comfort in the fact that some day you'll grow up like me, and you'll get your own place, and get a job, and you won't get notes like that from girls any more. You might get emails, instant messages, twitters, voicemails, facebook wall postings, wiki pages or text messages like that, but not notes.

So be strong.

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My Blog's Value

2010-06-07T11:17:00.003-06:00

How much is my blog worth? Anywhere from ...

... to ...

Woo hoo!

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