Brazilian churrasco
Ever been to a Brazilian churrasco? My first time was at Fogo de Chao in Houston almost ten years ago. It's one price to get in, and they give you a coaster with a green side and a red side.
Green side = Please come to my table and cut all different kinds of meat onto my plate.
vs
Red side = Please stop. I am going to barf. Bring me a bucket.
Needless to say, we went with the green side a lot, because the food is fantastic.
They opened one in Calgary a couple of years ago called Bolero, and I've been there a few times. It's roughly the same, but the waiters aren't quite so aggressive.
Bolero = Waiters casually wander the restaurant once every ten minutes, gently offering small portions of meat.
vs
Fogo de Chao = Waiters bum-rush anyone with a green coaster, piling their plates high, force-feeding them with slingshots and punching them in the stomach to make room for more.
It understandably takes a bit longer to eat at Bolero (an hour or two) than Fogo de Chao (three minutes). In fact, I recently accompanied my new special lady to a work party at Bolero. After an hour or so, I hadn't noticed that everyone else at the table had stopped eating for a while already, so she leaned over and whispered to me "Robert, flip it to red. You're frightening my friends."
That wasn't the first time I've frightened people at a Brazilian churrasco. At my last job I remember going for some training in Dallas with a colleague from Oklahoma. I suggested we hit a Brazilian churrasco on our last night in town, but he thought it would be wasted on a skinny-ass Canadian like me. I don't know why he had to bring nationalist pride into this, but it was on! (And yes, I'm considered slim in Texas).
I was wise enough to have a light breakfast and just soup for lunch, whereas this cocky bastard had two huge meals. Once at the churrasco I skipped the salad bar (that's for rookies) and ordered water - this arrogant guy loads up on vegetables and bread, and orders a beer. Big mistake!
Well, let me tell you - I matched that guy plate for plate. After several rounds through the menu things got tense, and I saw the waiters placing bets. He was starting to sweat, and it wasn't just meat sweats. I had my best poker face on, but truth be told inside I was trying to figure out if I wanted to crap or barf.
Eventually he tells me that this is all quite ridiculous, and we should both agree to stop with what we had right there. If we both stopped at the same time we could both leave with our pride intact, he explained. I had nothing more to prove - so I agreed, and we stopped.
Waiter comes by to offer coffee and dessert and you know what he did? He ordered a tres leches - that's a cake soaked in milk. He looked at me, and I said "you want to fire dairy on top of all that meat? You, sir, are on your own!"
Long story short, I know my way around Brazilian churrascos and I urge you to give it a try if there's one in your town. Just skip the tres leches.
In closing, here are a couple of cartoons you'll enjoy from "Hark, a vagrant!":
1. Vollmans throughout history
2. I think those are actually stink-lines
Green side = Please come to my table and cut all different kinds of meat onto my plate.
vs
Red side = Please stop. I am going to barf. Bring me a bucket.
Needless to say, we went with the green side a lot, because the food is fantastic.
They opened one in Calgary a couple of years ago called Bolero, and I've been there a few times. It's roughly the same, but the waiters aren't quite so aggressive.
Bolero = Waiters casually wander the restaurant once every ten minutes, gently offering small portions of meat.
vs
Fogo de Chao = Waiters bum-rush anyone with a green coaster, piling their plates high, force-feeding them with slingshots and punching them in the stomach to make room for more.
It understandably takes a bit longer to eat at Bolero (an hour or two) than Fogo de Chao (three minutes). In fact, I recently accompanied my new special lady to a work party at Bolero. After an hour or so, I hadn't noticed that everyone else at the table had stopped eating for a while already, so she leaned over and whispered to me "Robert, flip it to red. You're frightening my friends."
That wasn't the first time I've frightened people at a Brazilian churrasco. At my last job I remember going for some training in Dallas with a colleague from Oklahoma. I suggested we hit a Brazilian churrasco on our last night in town, but he thought it would be wasted on a skinny-ass Canadian like me. I don't know why he had to bring nationalist pride into this, but it was on! (And yes, I'm considered slim in Texas).
I was wise enough to have a light breakfast and just soup for lunch, whereas this cocky bastard had two huge meals. Once at the churrasco I skipped the salad bar (that's for rookies) and ordered water - this arrogant guy loads up on vegetables and bread, and orders a beer. Big mistake!
Well, let me tell you - I matched that guy plate for plate. After several rounds through the menu things got tense, and I saw the waiters placing bets. He was starting to sweat, and it wasn't just meat sweats. I had my best poker face on, but truth be told inside I was trying to figure out if I wanted to crap or barf.
Eventually he tells me that this is all quite ridiculous, and we should both agree to stop with what we had right there. If we both stopped at the same time we could both leave with our pride intact, he explained. I had nothing more to prove - so I agreed, and we stopped.
Waiter comes by to offer coffee and dessert and you know what he did? He ordered a tres leches - that's a cake soaked in milk. He looked at me, and I said "you want to fire dairy on top of all that meat? You, sir, are on your own!"
Long story short, I know my way around Brazilian churrascos and I urge you to give it a try if there's one in your town. Just skip the tres leches.
In closing, here are a couple of cartoons you'll enjoy from "Hark, a vagrant!":
1. Vollmans throughout history
2. I think those are actually stink-lines
Want more jokes about food?
posted by Robert Vollman at Wednesday, August 10, 2011
1 Comments:
Ahh, the memories. I needed the laugh! Good stuff sir.
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