My Mother, Bite Expert

My mother is a bite expert. I don’t know when she earned her PhD in Biteology, but she can look at any piece of food and tell you how many bites it is.

As a kid, when I was about to eat a big piece of meat, my mother would say “Robert! That’s at least three whole bites!” I didn’t even realize there were different types of bites, but there are. “There’s easily four good bites in that piece of meat.” I’m guessing that there are roughly 1.33 good bites in every whole bite.

I tried to prove my mother wrong by putting the entire piece of meat in my mouth and chewing it down. My mouth still full, I smiled at my mother “See? One bite!” Okay, it turned out to be a bite and a gag, but there’s no way that’s three bites.

Surprisingly, my mother was unconvinced. “Aren’t you going to say something to him?” she’d ask my father. “I don’t know honey, he clearly managed it in one bite,” he’d say, but get nothing but ice-cold glares. “Don’t ask me honey, I don’t know anything about bites. I just hit him when he belches!”

I’m pretty sure my mother was the chief bite consultant on Two-Bite Brownies. Originally they were about 35 grams, but my mother said “whoa, what are you doing, cowboy? That’s easily three bites. Either change the packaging or back it off a little!”

Personally I can still do it in one bite.


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