Friday, November 06, 2009

Lottery

Colleague: What would you do if you won a million dollars?
Me: Wow, with a million dollars I could buy a million lottery tickets!

It's that time of year: the jackpot is big, and people around the office are pooling their money to buy a block of lottery tickets. To me, buying lottery tickets with the people you work with ruins half the fun of winning the jackpot. Come on, the first thing you want to do when you win is go to work and laugh at all the suckers!

That's why I wouldn't quit if I won the lottery. I'd keep working. The major difference is that when someone asked me to do something I'd just laugh at them and go back to playing video games. Well, I guess that doesn't qualify as a "major" difference in my case, but you get the point.

Let me tell you, if I hit the jackpot, every day would be casual Friday. They'd be lucky if I shaved once a week, wore pants, and they saw a glimpse of me before 10am or after 3. I wouldn't go to any more meetings, that's for sure. I'd probably just hire a homeless guy to attend in my stead. In fact, I don't know why I don't just do that right now, I can already afford that much.

Lucky for everyone at work that I'm far too cheap to buy a lottery ticket. If they only cost a penny, maybe I'd buy one from time to time. Especially if I needed a scrap of paper for something.

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Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Great New Movie

Monday, November 02, 2009

Modern Hallowe'en Costumes for Bald Men

Given my world-famous blog posts on the handsome bald men (part 1, part 2, part 3), I got a lot of emails asking for Hallowe'en costume ideas for bald men.

For most bald men, their first instinct is to go as Uncle Fester or Gandhi or Mr. Clean or even Elmer Fudd. Listen, these costumes are old and lame. Hallowe'en is the time of year that ordinary women use an excuse to dress like prostitutes, so you need to look your best if you're going to hook up. Oh, I could tell you stories about the years I dressed up as Dr. Evil or Stone Cold Steve Austin ... suffice it to say that Hallowe'en is the one day of the year we are fortunate to be bald.

Resist the urge to recycle an old idea like Charlie Brown, or Homer Simpson. This is your opportunity to be hip and sexy, so think harder! And I know what you're thinking: you'll go as Captain Picard. That's a very nice try, but you can do even better than that.

The way I see it, there were only three good options for bald men this year:

1. Dr. Manhattan
- This is the ideal costume for hooking up with the ladies. You don't even need a costume, you just need to paint your body completely blue. If it's cold outside, you might regret this decision. And in my case, I'd have about four hours of body shaving to complete first. Maybe we should put on some clothes and go as someone from the Blue Man Group instead.

2. Britney Spears
- You can only really pull this off if you're at least 35, or you look too young.

3. Howie Mandel from Deal or No Deal
- Given my luck with the ladies recently, I think it would be "No Deal."

If you think I'm mistaken, by all means, please post some comments about better costume ideas. Any way you slice it, your idea will be better than my 2008 costume: Mikhail Gorbachev. When the ladies asked me who I was, they had never heard of the guy. Eventually I just said I was Uncle Fester and earlier in the night my buddy was drinking wine and threw up on my head and ruined it.

No more mistakes. It's Dr. Manhattan from now on.

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Thursday, October 29, 2009

Performance Reviews

Part of our company's performance review process is to get feedback from everyone's peers. As a matter of course I provide appropriate feedback, and then add that I think they're a possible Cylon agent.

Most supervisors just ignore my comment, or maybe they ask me "What's a Cylon?" and then we have a little chuckle.

But very occasionally it gets more involved.

Supervisor #1: You wrote here that Jasmine Lee was a possible Cylon agent.
Me: Right.
Supervisor #1: Robert, you realise Battlestar Galactica was just a show, right?
Me: Of course.
Supervisor #1: There are no such things as Cylons.
Me: Right.
Supervisor #1: Seriously - tell me you're just joking around.
Me: Totally!
Supervisor #1: Ok I'm just checking because sometimes I'm not sure with you.
Me: I understand. It's ok.
Supervisor #1: Seriously ... just a show, right?
Me: Right.
Supervisor #1: No Cylons?
Me: No Cylons.

That's not even as strange as it gets.

Supervisor #2: Why do you suspect Larry Jones is a Cylon?
Me: I saw him making out with someone who wasn't even there.
Supervisor #2: Like Gaius Baltar?
Me: Right.
Supervisor #2: But Baltar wasn't a Cylon.
Me: How do you know that? Oh my God. Are you a Cylon?
Supervisor #2: No I'm not a Cylon.
Me: Prove it. Let me see your spine while you're having sex.

Anyway that's usually when someone from HR comes down.

Quite frankly, I don't know why they even bother asking for my feedback. Just pay everyone the absolute minimum amount of money that will keep them from going somewhere else, and be done with it. Quit asking me what I think!

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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

What Sesame Street Taught Me About Mental Illness

As a child I loved watching Sesame Street. Not only was it hilarious, but it was also educational. They teach you about words and numbers directly, but they also teach you about other things indirectly, like mental illness. Each of the muppets on Sesame Street had some kind of mental illness. Being exposed to this early in my life helped me prepare for the friends I would meet as I grew up.

For those of you who never got to see Sesame Street, I'll walk you through some of the major characters and their more obvious illnesses.

Bert and Ernie

Ernie was an insomniac, who could never sleep no matter what he tried: drinking water, counting sheep or even playing the drums. He was perhaps the first character I saw on TV with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) although I don't think that diagnosis existed yet. He just couldn't enage in quiet activities, and would lose interest in games quite suddenly.

As for Bert, where do we begin? With his paperclip and bottle cap collection? His obsession with cleanliness, pigeons and the letter W? Clearly Bert had a very serious case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and most probably a low grade depression as well. And definitely anger management issues.

The Count

Speaking of OCD, the worst case on the whole Street was the Count. He had a need to count everything, and took delight in knowing just how many there were of everything he ever came across.

Cookie Monster


For most children, the Cookie Monster was our first glimpse into the world of eating disorders. He would binge eat, and not just cookies. He also had a learning disorder, too. He may know that C is for cookie but that's about all he learned of the English language (and that's good enough for him).

I wonder what would happen if the Cookie Monster got together with Bert and the Count, ate his cookies, and left crumbs all over the floor? The Count would want to count them, and Bert would want to clean it up.

Two-Headed Monster

Schizophrenia. That's an easy one, I think every kid caught that one.

Grover

The most lovable muppet was raised by a single parent, and couldn't hold a job. He was quite possibly a manic depressive, and certainly had anxiety disorder (aka panic attacks). His "Super-Grover" alter-ego was an obvious escape from a difficult childhood that left him with a dangerously low self-esteem.

Don Music

One of the more obscure muppets, I'll concede. But I can't write a blog on mental illnesses and Sesame Street without mentioning the composer who would fail to play a simple song and then bang his head repeatedly and violently on the piano. I don't know exactly from what he suffered, but I don't want it.

Big Bird

Big Bird was my first introduction to depression. In his loneliness he invented an imaginary friend Snuffleupagus, who has an even more serious case of depression. When you have to make up imaginary friends that are even more depressed than you are, I'm surprised they never found Big Bird hanging from a noose.

I'm very grateful for Sesame Street having exposed me to these mental illnesses as a child. Now when I encounter an adult suffering from depression, OCD, ADD, anxiety disorder or even schizophrenia, I can see him as a fuzzy little muppet and give him the compassion he needs. Thank you Sesame Street!

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Name: Robert Vollman
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada

I was born and raised in Ottawa, and have lived in Calgary since 1991. I like playing sports (hockey, soccer, ultimate, basketball, you name it) and military board games. I also enjoy reading, walking, and playing with my 2 cats Lilly and Brutus. I'm a database application specialist, whatever that is.